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My new fence

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by ghrit, Apr 3, 2009.

  1. ghrit

    ghrit Ambulatory anachronism Administrator Founding Member

    Most of you know I recently set up on a spot of remote land. Anyway, the security arrangements are going slowly but there has been some progress. Thought I ought to relate the most recent experience with the fence I installed last fall.
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    A few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the northern part of the county.

    To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence even tho' I have less than one mile. I then used 8 <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:placetype w:st="on">ft.</st1:placetype> l<st1:placename w:st="on">ong</st1:placename></st1:place> ground rods, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. I'm using three.

    Just today, I test ran the mower after dismounting the snow blower<st1:personname w:st="on"></st1:personname>, and I see that the hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn<st1:personname w:st="on">'</st1:personname>t remembered to unplug it after all.

    Now I<st1:personname w:st="on">'</st1:personname>m standing there, I<st1:personname w:st="on">'</st1:personname>ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

    Science says you cannot poop and pee at the same time.. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you<st1:personname w:st="on">'</st1:personname>re all leaned back . It seemed like
    there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

    At this point I<st1:personname w:st="on">'</st1:personname>m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can<st1:personname w:st="on">'</st1:personname>t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... But Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that
    were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rods are now accepting signals from me through the freshly soaked from last night's rain. At this point I<st1:personname w:st="on">'</st1:personname>m thinking I<st1:personname w:st="on">'</st1:personname>m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

    <st1:personname w:st="on">'</st1:personname>Damn!,<st1:personname w:st="on">'</st1:personname> I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop & pee, and with my balls on my chest I think <st1:personname w:st="on">'</st1:personname>Oh God please die...pleeeeze die<st1:personname w:st="on">'</st1:personname>. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner<st1:personname w:st="on">'</st1:personname>s right foot.

    So here I am in early April on wet ground, 80% humidity, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

    I honestly don<st1:personname w:st="on">'</st1:personname>t know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. And, the still frosty grass that was trying to grow where I fell, was also a nice burnt steak color. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

    1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

    2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

    3- Poop & pee when mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

    4- My left eye will not open..

    5- My right eye will not close.

    6- The lawnmower runs like a spotted ass ape now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

    7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

    8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don<st1:personname w:st="on">'</st1:personname>t understand this)

    That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

    The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow
    . ​
  2. Cephus

    Cephus Monkey+++ Founding Member

    Sorry to hear of your misfortune but you can be sure after experiencing this one time it will never happen again.
    Everytime you get near a fence electric or not you will not touch it no matter what .

    I too like yourself have experienced this and know of what you speak.

    Also I LMAO so hard that the feeling did come back to the left side of my face !!!!
  3. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

  4. E.L.

    E.L. Moderator of Lead Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    [lolol][lolol][lolol][lolol][lolol][lolol][lolol][lolol][lolol][lolol][lolol][lolol][lolol][lolol][lolol][lolol][lolol][lolol][lolol][lolol][lolol][lolol][ROFL][ROFL][ROFL][ROFL][ROFL][rofllmao][rofllmao][rofllmao][rofllmao][LMAO][LMAO][LMAO][LMAO][LMAO][LMAO]:lol::lol::lol::lol:foosedfoosedfoosedfoosedohnoohnoohno[nutkick]biglaffbiglaffbiglaffbiglaffbiglaffshokedshokedshokedshoked:shock::shock::shock::shock::shock:taser1taser1taser1taser1taser1taser1[woot] Getting old sucks.
  5. NVBeav

    NVBeav Monkey+++

    One fine, wet Oregon winter day (at the experimental age of 10), I remember testing the electrical properties of wood on a nearby electric fence. A nice, long dead tree branch might not conduct electricity when it's dry, but I'll never know. That's the last time I ever touched an electric fence with anything.
  6. dragonfly

    dragonfly Monkey+++

    When I was the supervisor for a irrigation district, I stopped one day for a quick chat with one of the many homeowners that had horse property....
    I was standing there running off at the mouth, and being the lazy slob I am, I decided to rest my arm, full length, along the wooden fence the horse was behind...
    Before the owner could say one word, it hit me!
    In fact, it hit me and it bit me, and it stung me, and then it seemed to get hotter each millisecond I was on it...
    I learned my lesson!
    Look before you place you arms, or hands, or any other part of your anatomy you happen to like, near anything that remotely looks like a fence!
    If I had been paying attention I would have noticed:
    1) the badly chewed corral boards, 2) the BRIGHT YELLOW nylon cord wrapped in a BRIGHT ALUMINUM wire!
    I have no idea of how many times it shocked me, but it was a LOT, before I got off of it!
    Wow that smarts!
    Makes ya wanna go home and change your socks!
  7. BadSCR

    BadSCR Monkey+++

    I feel for you, that is scary. But you are OK, so [ROFL]

    I was about 10 years old. I was in Tractor Supply playing with the solar powered electric fences. Turned it on and watched the meter max out. I then presided to stick my tongue to the terminals using chicken wire to bridge the gap. It knocked me out cool and gave me a memory gap for the rest of that day.

    What I have learned;
    1) Never stick your tongue to an electric fence terminals.
    2) Never
    stick your tongue to telephone wires.
    3) Never use Water Wings to try to walk-on-water.
  8. dragonfly

    dragonfly Monkey+++

    Reminds me of when I was in 7th grade, a friend found an old radio in his dad's shop and we wanted to turn it on...seems they had battery power a long time ago as well...We found a hex shaped battery that had the ray-o-vac emblem, a cat and electrical like lightning bolt on it's wrapping....The radio wouldn't work so we wondered if that battery was dead....Itwas NOT!
    I know, he talked me into touching the terminals (both on the top) to my tongue!
    Man that was awesome...!
    I flew across the garage, and bounced off the wall!
    I had no taste buds for quite awhile after that experience!
    Since, I use a tester, having felt what was like lightning strike me!
    It's funny as heck now, but not so much then!

    It is truly a Wonder that we managed to ever grow up!
  9. ghrit

    ghrit Ambulatory anachronism Administrator Founding Member

    Model T spark capacitors can supply a wakeup. Don't ask.
  10. Seacowboys

    Seacowboys Senior Member Founding Member

  11. The Expendable

    The Expendable Bread and Circus Master

    One time when I was 17 I was changing the spark plugs in my 1973 Dodge Polara Custom (what a car!). My girlfriend was sitting in the car and decided she wanted to listen to the radio, so she turned the key... while I was holding the end of the plug wire.

    I wonder what ever became of her?
  12. Allen

    Allen Monkey+

    A good one to try is find a capacitor to a lawnmower & charge it up. Then toss it to your friend. The other idea is drop it into a plumbers crack.
  13. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    I love how EL tells stories with emoticons....I've missed that! [applaud][lolol]

    And ghrit? :lol:

    don't worry, I know you're not that forgetful... ;)
  14. dragonfly

    dragonfly Monkey+++

    I wrote a post response and was kicked off and to sign in again...
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