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New Rules for 2007

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by CRC, Jan 16, 2007.

  1. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up
    ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people
    for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I
    already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --
    mowing my lawn.

    New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
    you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
    found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
    What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
    blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
    these kids: "Lucky bastards."

    New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
    you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
    If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

    New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
    care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're

    New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
    aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
    Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
    flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
    your flavored water.

    New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
    redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the
    top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open
    it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just
    solved the Social Security crisis .

    New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
    a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande,
    half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
    extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh,
    you're a huge a**hole.

    New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
    my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the
    amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
    again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
    Almond Joy.

    New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
    make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
    translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
    anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

    (let's not talk about that one, ok?) :rolleyes:

    New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
    deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating,
    because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
    exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're
    already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

    New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry
    for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

    New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
    television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we
    can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
    something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good
    enough to be a movie.

    New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
    weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
    Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
    gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

    New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
    attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint
    like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
    supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to
    be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

    New Rule: When I ask how old
    your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's
    two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
    really care in the first place.

    New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
    pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
    available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying,
    "Do you want fries with that?"
  2. snowbyrd

    snowbyrd Latet anguis in herba


    [LMAO] [LMAO] don't forget New rule Unmairried,[pregnant] young not employed, not cool I gotta pay for it and didn't even help
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