People you meet at a gun show

Compliments of "anagram-sam" on the M14 Firing Line

Here's a guide to the stereotypical people you'll meet at the gunshow, and yes, I copied it from another website. If it's been circulated here before, I apologize, but try to enjoy it again anyway!

Steve: Steve specializes in t-shirts that say things like "from my cold, dead hands", "bomb squad: if you see me running you'd better catch up", and "I shot terrorists in Iraq and all I got was this lousy t-shirt". He also has a massive amount of over-priced beef jerky for sale at his table. Steve is usually too distracted taking people's money to be rude, polite, or even notice you unless you're handing money to him while walking off with a t-shirt or package of jerky.

Clyde: Clyde has used guns with more rust than finish and if you look closely you might be able to see rifling in the barrel. These guns are priced $200 over what the guns cost when they were brand new and in decent condition. Clyde will be personally and deeply insulted if you offer anything less than what the price tag says, even though he hasn't made a single sale at the last three shows because his merchandise is worthless crap.

Billy: Billy is thirteen years old and at his first gun show with his dad. He's the one with the baseball cap and the bugged out eyes constantly exclaiming "WHOA, COOL! WOW! AWESOME!" Billy will one day have a firearms collection the size of a national guard armory to go along with his position as chairman of the NRA.

Bubba: Bubba is a tactical mall-ninja commando in mismatched camoflage from three different countries and patches, rank insignia, and reproduction medals from every branch of the military and a few that don't exist. He will try to corner you and tell you a story about the time he was flying F-22's in 'nam for the USMC SEAL team and then served as a space shuttle door gunner for a top secret mission to Afghanistan. If asked for proof of his exploits, all of his records are either classified or burned down with the building shortly after he retired at the age 29. Alternatively, he'll ask what gun you're buying and proceed to go into a long story about why that gun is a piece of crap and how his .223 caliber rifle that he may have bought from Clyde can blow a deer in half from a mile away with his special-made custom bullets that he makes in his basement. Bubba does not take the hint when you ignore him and will only leave when he finds someone else to latch onto and talk their ears off.

Rick: Rick is an awesome dealer whose table has three of everything you could ever want and they're all at a fair price. Unfortunately, you won't find Rick until after you've bought the same thing for twice what he's asking at another table.

Thelma: Thelma is a little old woman who may have been alive when Lincoln was president. She will be carrying an older firearm that belonged to her recently departed husband that she wants to sell because she has no use for it and no idea of its actual value. This firearm will likely be worth enough to buy a decent car with and she will try selling it to the nearest dealer to the door, usually Clyde. Clyde will offer $50 while barely concealing his cackling delight at finding such a sucker, while a dozen show attendees will run at Thelma screaming "NONONONONONONO!" and trying to stop her before she completes the transaction. Most of them will be honest and either inform her as to the actual value of the gun or direct her to a dealer that will give her more money for it.

Mike: Mike is an elderly man wearing a vest with VFW pins all over it. His table specializes in collectible coins and reproduction Nazi memoribilia for WWII collectors. He's an honest dealer but he's also stone deaf and has no idea what you're trying to buy.

Dave: Dave doesn't actually sell guns and hates Mike with a passion. He sells army surplus camo, police holsters, pepper spray, combat boots, kevlar flak jackets from the 70's, and American WWII memoribilia. He hates Mike because Mike actually sells off his merchandise while Dave's only gets man-handled by potential customers and then dropped back on the table.

Louis: Louis specializes in American-made handguns. Despite the high price tag, you can always get a good deal from Louis because everything is negotiable and he's a good guy. Unfortunately, Louis is in the convention center restroom with explosive diarhea, creating a stench that is almost but not quite enough to make attendees buy surplus gas masks from Dave before entering. Louis' wife Susie is running the table in his absence. Susie has absolutely zero interest in guns, the convention, or the customers. Susie will not negotiate prices and could care less whether or not you buy anything from the table.

Lorretta: Lorretta makes more money than any other vendor at the show. This defies rational logic since her table is covered almost exclusively with Beanie Babies, home crafts, and copies of Better Homes and Gardens from the mid-1980's. At a gun show. On the plus side, she does sell excellent peanut brittle and pecan chewies.

George: George sells older shotguns and bolt-action rifles. He displays open contempt for anyone who buys a so-called "assault weapon" or a handgun that was made after the 1940's and will glare at you if you so much as dare mention that just possibly the Second Amendment wasn't intended exclusively for deer and duck hunters. More than likely he will loudly declare that "the only reason to own one of those things is to kill people!" Then he'll cuss at you and tell you to get away from his booth if you ask if that's why the police own so many.

Burt: Burt sells "assault" rifles, semi-automatic handguns, and class III weaponry almost exclusively. He also has a stand of books and magazines such as the Army Field Manual FM21-76: Survival, Soldier of Fortune, How To Build a Nuclear Bunker, and Unintended Consequences. Unlike many of the people wandering the show clad in camo, Burt actually knows what he's talking about and can tell you the exact manufacturer, factory, and the day it was built of any gun you mention or show him, entirely by memory, and give you a detailed history of that particular model of firearm that would impress the historian at the Smithsonian's armory section. People tend to think of Burt as being psychotically paranoid, especially about the government, but you have to admit he's making more and more sense as time goes on. Most of Burt's customers either scare you or make you envious.

Hank: Hank sells knives, swords, spears, crossbows, chainmail, and other archaic items. He makes nearly as much money as Lorretta, despite the fact that most of his merchandise is over-price stainless steel crap you can find at pawn shops and flea markets for a third the price.

Tom: Tom is wandering the convention grounds desperately looking for a very specific firearm. Unfortunately for Tom, he passes about ten vendors selling the exact item he's looking for without noticing and finally finds one for sale at Clyde's table. He goes home and ends up hating his purchase and sells it for less than half of what he paid for it. Six months later, he finds the gun he's looking for that doesn't look and perform as if it were run over by an armored column and goes home with tears of joy.

Ryan: Ryan has to sneak his new, hideously expensive super awesome gun into the house because if his wife finds out he bought yet another gun instead of making a car payment she'll kill him. Thus, he manages to look simultaneously ecstatic about his purchase and sickeningly nervous as he walks out into the parking lot.

Omar: Omar is an enthuisiastic target shooter who is thinking of getting his first "assault" rifle as a fun purchase. Unfortunately, he immigrated from Iran ten years ago and half the show attendees keep looking at him funny and wondering how quickly they could get the zip-ties off of their guns and have them in working order if they had to. The glares intensify as he makes his purchase and nervously heads out the door with it.

Jose: Jose is a member of the local street gang/drug cartel down town. He can't buy firearms because of his prior six felonies, so he has his latest girlfriend come with him and buy "herself" whichever gun he points out. This will invariably be a cheap-as-dirt and as-reliable-as-the-French-army pistol like a Llama or Lorsen. Whichever dealer Jose's "baby mama" tries buying the gun from will skepticly raise his eyebrow at her and tell her to come back when she isn't dating a dipshit with pantyhose on his head.

Michelle: Michelle is obsessed with "assault" weapons and eager to add to her growing collection. Each vendor she meets tells her that whichever gun she tries buying isn't what she wants and then patronizes "the little lady" by selecting a tamer, more politically-correct firearm and telling her that that's exactly what she needs. Many then proceed to hit on her, despite the fact that she brought her boyfriend along to carry heavy things.

John: John learned everything he knows about guns from television and despite believing everything Feinstein, Boxer, and the DNC say about firearms and the people that own them has decided to get one of his own. After staring in bewilderment at an incredible array of firearms that he never imagined in his wildest dreams, he finally finds one that looks both cool and still politically-correct and pays more than it's worth. He ends up being thrown out of the show for muzzle-sweeping half the attendees and trying to load it on the spot.

Jerome: Jerome is a media hitman out to sensationalize guns, violence, and rednecks. Vendors look at him suspiciously while he takes pictures and asks oddly-phrased questions while his buddy with the tape recorder stands nearby pretending to look at guns. Jerome will later go home and either misquote everyone or quote them out of context while declaring that guns should be banned. He will later receive a literary award for writing such an excellent, balanced, and fair article.

Oswald: Oswald is a typical FBI/ATF agent. Cleverly, he approaches vendors and openly invites them to engage in illegal activity. Because they're too stupid to recognize entrapment when they see it and they're all criminals anyway. Oswald will avoid keeping an eye on Omar, Jose, or the black guy with the gold teeth and tattoos who just got a Tec-9 and smells suspiciously of marijuana. That would be racial profiling. Oswald will later ramdomly follow one of the vendors or attendees home and have them arrested for suspected gun trafficing, confiscate their firearms and any other personal possessions of value, and harrass them for the next two years in order to meet quota.

Jake: Jake is an @%#& vendor who goes out of his way to piss off potential customers and rip them off. Jake is too stupid to realize when to back off and completely fails to understand that if you knock a guys cigar out of his mouth and assault him he WILL go Darth Vader on your ass.

Tommy: Tommy is your stereotypical gangbanger. He calls every handgun either a Glock or a gat, refers to magazines as clips, and makes loud hooting sounds to get the vendor's attention. He eventually walks out with a Tec-9 and proceeds to frighten nearly everyone in the parking lot when he and his fifteen homies climb into a rusted-out Caddy with spinners and peel out.

William: William is not your stereotypical gangbanger. He's well-dressed and makes a higher income than most of the people attending the show. He has never fired a gun in his life and does not own any ammunition. His only reason for being at the show is to complete his collection of Browning Hi-Powers that he keeps in glass display cases at home. William receives more dirty looks and suspicious glances than Tommy.

Gunny: Gunny is older than dirt but well-preserved. He walks with a slight limp, cusses at the drop of a hat, and speaks more loudly than necessary. Gunny is intent on finding a USGI M1 Garand and an M-14 clone and will gladly let you know that the M-16 is a jam-o-matic popgun and that the U.S. should never have used it to replace the M-14 as the main battle rifle.

Charles: Charles is English. This is his first time at a gun show that he decided to visit just to see what they're like. Despite his fears, prejudices, and pre-conceived notions, Charles actually finds himself enjoying the convention and becoming fascinated with the broad variety of weaponry on display. Then Bubba spots him.

Erney: Erney is a uniformed police officer supposedly providing security for the convention. In practice, however, he spends most of his time fondling other people's guns at the door or hitting on Michelle while her boyfriend is standing right there. Erney is oblivious to anything Jose or Tommy say or do.

Carl: Carl is an elderly man who couldn't weigh 90 pounds soaking wet. Despite this, he is asking each vendor about a massively heavy, large-caliber firearm and seems disappointed that no one at the convention is selling such hand-held artillery. Burt has five of them on display, but Carl is too nervous to approach his booth. He pauses in the middle of conversations and seems confused for a moment before starting over again with the same questions. Eventually he wanders home and falls asleep watching reruns of Matlock.

Joe: Joe is not a licensed dealer, but somehow he always end up with a bunch of guns in his arms that he walks around the aisles with trying to convince attendees to buy for more than they're worth. The vendors don't like Joe but say nothing as more often than not he ends up getting cornered by Bubba for most of the convention and is therefore kept out of their hair.

Willie: Willie is the stereotypical redneck who fondles each and every gun at the table before picking one, inevitably some sort of man-portable cannon. Willie, while sighting down the barrel at the ceiling, will make an offhand comment about how he really shouldn't buy the gun because he might get pissed and shoot his neighbor. This will result in the dealer quietly setting the gun back on the table and telling him to have a nice day. Willie, oblivious, moves on to the next table and does it all over again.

Smitty: Smitty specializes in BB guns, paintball guns, and airsoft that try to look like the real thing. Smitty has BB-firing MAC-10's labeled as "UZI FULL-AUTO BB GUN USES REAL UZI PARTS!!!! SPECIAL PRICE $399 TODAY ONLY" and camo fatigues that might conceivably be able to blend in with something if you were trying to hide in a crate of bananas. Smitty's battery-operated full-auto airsoft AK-47 costs more than the real thing.

Ray: Ray is like Bubba, except ten years younger, slightly less overweight, and hangs out at Smitty's table for nearly the whole convention. Like Bubba, he makes up ******** as he goes, but his fantasies consist almost entirely of the time he single-handedly slew the evil Iron Commandos from Chicago single-handedly while the rest of his squad cowered in fear behind him. Later, both the female members of the squad joined him for a threesome to properly thank him for saving them all from being hit with yellow plastic pellets.

Sarah: Sarah is everything a man could ever want in a woman and knows it. Using the power of her body, she entices each and every male passing the booth to stop for a look- and maybe take their eyes off her low-cut blouse long enough to hand her money for something, anything, that she happens to be selling. Sarah will rebuff every attempt to get her phone number while still remaining seductive. Erney will have to forcibly remove Ray from the booth twice.

Wallace: Wallace sells every magazine to every gun known to man. Unfortunately, Wallace seems to think the ban is still in place if the $40 AK 30-rnd magazines with the 30% finish and dents are any indication. Most of his NIB stock is from USA and the used magazines cost nearly as much the guns they go to at other tables.

Henry: Henry goes to every convention and recognizes each of the regular attendees. He will inevitably bump into one of these regulars in the middle of the aisle and stop to loudly catch up on the events that occurred within the last week, blocking all passage down the aisle. If asked to please step out of the way, Henry will sway a few inches to one side or the other while keeping his feet planted and without slowing down his animated conversation with whatever poor soul he was cornered this time.

Cletus: Cletus is the size of a Volkswagen and the same general shape. Despite the fact that he is wide enough to single-handedly block traffic on any aisle he occupies, he always seems to have a thirty-foot radius of clear space around here. Likely because he smells like cheese formed in the socks of a French trench soldier in WWI. Any vendors selling gas masks will coincidentally demonstrate them for Cletus and leave them on until he ponderously makes his way to the next table. Cletus never seems to buy anything but asks a lot of questions.

Rufus: Rufus is an escapee from an anime or sci-fi convention, usually in costume. He knows absolutely nothing about guns and is willing to share that complete lack of information with anyone patient enough to listen to his filibusters. He inevetibally ends up swapping bogus stories about guns with Ray and Bubba before spending fifteen minutes working up the courage to approach Sarah's booth and buy a cool-looking stainless steel dagger the size of a cat.

Sgtar15: Sarge is getting up there in years and quite possibly insane, but everyone at the convention loves him. He makes his way around the convention with a cardboard box labeled "Sgtar15 Productions" and full of vintage G.I. Joes he finds at various tables. A lovable character, he manages to creep out many of the gun show attendees nonetheless. The only gun related item he will buy is a brick of .22lr ammo "because of my back".

Greg: Greg knows little about guns but knows what he likes. What he likes is the biggest fricking caliber they can put in a gun without killing the person firing it. Greg absolutely loves his BFG revolver in .45-70 and his Barret M82A1 that he fires from the shoulder. Greg can sometimes be seen wearing a sling on his arm and trying to sell a carbine chambered for .577 Tyrranosaurus.

Jason: Jason is a class III fanatic. Grenade launchers, mortar, RPG's, machine guns, he's into it. Unfortunately for Jason, the only class III dealer at the convention is an ******* who won't let you even touch a single thing on his table, even non-firearms, unless you work for a police or government agency. Jason dislikes being glared by the class III dealer until he leaves and goes home to bitch about it on the internet.

Enrique: Enrique does not speak english. He speaks some form of spanish that remains incomprehensible even to those who took a course in college. Enrique becomes angry if you ask him to speak english or say you don't understand spanish and acts as if he doesn't know what a 4473 is if you hand him one. Enrique suddenly has to leave the convention when Steve walks past wearing an INS t-shirt.

Daric: Daric is a college student out to buy his first evil black rifle. Unfortunately, Daric is on a budget and has decided to build his own AR-15 from parts since that will be more affordable. Those Hesse lower receivers look nice and would go great with that Vulcan upper receiver he saw at the gun store last week.

Winston: Winston sells AR-15's but will glare at anyone who asks if he has lower or upper receivers in stock and loudly tell them that no, he does NOT sell receivers and never will because everyone who buys a lower or upper receiver is a criminal building an illegal gun and the AWB prevents dealers from selling them anyway. Argument with Winston is futile, as is informing him that the ban ended.

Mountain Man Luke- Luke wears buckskin clothing or flannel, with a big beard and coonskin cap on his head. Often has a big ass bowie knife on his belt. He smells strongly of sweat, leather, and gun smoke. Luke is a black powder purist/elitist and won't touch any firearm whose design isn't at least two hundred years old. Matchlock, wheel lock, flintlock, he loves. Percussion/cap and ball guns are tolerable but Luke won't use one personally. Luke dearly loves fine craftsmanship and good, hard work put into making an excellent firearm, and his merchandise reflects this. Unfortunately, for the cost of one of his fancy smoke poles you could probably help Burt retire early or purchase Norway in installments.

Cowboy Curtis- Curtis loves cowboy action shooters. Lever-action rifles, Shiloh-Sharps buffalo guns, reproduction Colt Navy revolvers, Colt SAA revolvers, and all sorts of neat holsters, boots, saddles, and other gear can be found at his table. The prices are sometimes exhorbitant and Curtis can sometimes be a bit huffy with his customers, but he nearly always has what you're looking for. From the glares between Curtis and Luke, you suspect that on weekends they reenact Civil War battles and bitterly duke it out just to prove a point.

Hans- Do not make Die Hard references in Hans' presence. Hans will wander the convention grounds and lovingly fondle firearms all day. Glock, Heckler and Koch, Mauser, Steyr, Walther; if it's German or Austrian, he adores it and will gladly tell everyone in ear shot about how those are the finest guns in the world and they put all others, especially American firearms, to shame. He will avoid the tables selling nazi memorabilia like the plague and takes personal offense if anyone points out that a large number of German guns are over-engineered and over-priced finicky crap.

Peter: Peter has no idea what kind of gun he has, what ammunition it takes, or how to use it. It sits unloaded on the top shelf of his bedroom closet, collecting dust. He has finally decided to buy a box of ammo for it after seeing how horrible things got during the New Orleans disaster. He will vaguely describe the weapon to any dealer selling ammo in hopes that the dealer will telepathically be able to understand exactly what firearm Peter has and what ammo it uses. If it is a pistol or rifle, he will come home with the wrong caliber ammunition and never realize the difference as he has never attempted to load or use the gun in the first place. If it is a shotgun, he will come home with a box of birdshot that he will promptly lose somewhere in the closet, attic, or basement for the next twenty years.

Felix: Felix is the smoothest high-speed low-drag operator you ever saw. He looks like an advertisement in SWAT magazine or an HK poster. Unlike most of his ilk, Felix actually trains and practices with his firearms to gain a respectable level of competence and skill. The only firearms he has any interest in purchasing are evil "assault" weapons and pistols with high-capacity magazines. If it has an accessory rail, he loves it; the more accessory rails, the better. Despite his taste in expensive firearms, Felix has spent more money on accessories, holster rigs, slings, tactical vests, combat boots, kneepads, gloves, goggles, etc. than he has on firearms. In fact, just the accessories attached to his M4gery cost more than the gun. Felix is the only non-LEO who won't have glares of hatred directed at him by the LEO-only class III dealer at the convention, possibly because of mistaken identity.

Sid: Sid specializes in body armor, tactical vests, and holster rigs. His body armor is over-priced and anyone who shows an interest in buying some will get to hear Sid's spiel about how the government is about to out-law civilian body armor and everyone should buy theirs now. Sid has been giving that speech since 1987.

Wallis: Wallis is another inexplicable dealer at the gun show. None of his products are even vaguely related to firearms. Instead, he has wrench sets, power tools, and stacks of motor oil on his table. More than likely he will pick a particular brand of truck and advertise accessories and modifications for it. He makes more money than most of the people actually selling guns.

Alex: Alex sells ammunition exclusively. It doesn't matter what caliber, bullet type, nationality, or year of manufacture, he has it in stock at his table or can have a crate full of it brought from the store within fifteen minutes of you asking for it. Alex is another of the dealers who make more money than the guys selling actual guns at a gun show.

Earl: Earl could pass for Clyde's twin brother, except instead of rusted, worthless guns he sells ziploc bags full of his custom reloaded ammo. No one is really sure how much business Earl actually gets; half the show attendees are afraid of getting killed because of his ammo and the other half are stupid enough to buy his ammo if it wasn't so expensive.

Chuck: Despite his name, he has almost no resemblance to Chuck Norris. I'm sorry to disappoint you. Chuck has long hair and an unkempt mustache and beard, wears old O.D. green field jacket and pants, and smells like he hasn't bathed in weeks. He bears more than a passing resemblance to David Keresh and creeps out a lot of convention attendees. No one actually sees him buying anything or talking to anyone; he just wanders around the aisles and looks at different guns. After the show closes, he goes home and feeds his nine cats and wishes people could see him for the kind, caring, and shy individual that he is instead of mistaking him for a soulless cult leader.

Jesse: Jesse is overweight, balding, and may be dressed in all black, all camo, or wearing a red shirt with Che Guevera or the hammer and sickle on it. Jesse is the local socialist/communist/anarchist and has plenty of leftist pamphlets and conspiracy theory booklets to give out at his table. Unfortunately for him, nobody is looking at his merchandise and several good ol' boys keep glancing at him and whispering as if measuring his neck for a rope. Jesse will go home after the show closes and complain about the evils of capitalism and rednecks on DU.

Colin: Like Jesse, Colin is usually dressed in all black or camo. Colin, however, specializes in Confederate collector's items, such as the stars and bars flag, t-shirts that say "the south will rise again", and post cards with Robert E. Lee on them. Colin probably also has a few nazi items on his table, such as replica Hitler Youth knives or helmets. Nobody is really sure if Colin is some sort of white supremist or just has odd taste in memoribilia, and most are afraid to buy anything from his table for fear of being associated with him.

Bob: Bob is wearing a one-piece Realtree coverall set or waders, and either has a matching baseball cap or one in blaze orange. Bob never stops giving his sale pitch at the top of his lungs to everyone who passes by, but nobody seems to pay any attention. No one is quite sure what Bob is trying to sell, but his table is covered in pamphlets, a deer feeder or two, and a television showing an episode from some hunting show on an endless loop.

Doug: Doug has a bunch of random items on his table that don't really interest anyone, but there's one really neat thing on his table that grabs your immediate attention. Be it that particular gun you were looking for or an accessory or part you need for your latest project, it tantalizes you. When asked, Doug has no idea where the price tag for it went and can't be bothered to name a price. He's more interested in shouting sales pitches at random passersby or asking if someone is interested in selling their stainless double-barrel shotgun than making a sale to the customer standing right there.

Roberta: Roberta looks like the stereotypical female trucker and talks like one too. She reeks of cigarettes and prefers to stand less than a foot away from whoever she is talking to. Nobody is quite sure if Roberta is there to buy or sell something; she stands in the aisles and talks loudly while blocking the walkway. She must have a sister or two, because she seems to be in several locations at once.

Nelson: Nelson has three or four large gun safes on display, usually right next to the door so he doesn't have to move them very far. The cost of one of his safes is slightly less than the mortgage on most homes and they smell like moth balls and nylon inside. After paying for a safe and arranging delivery, the customer goes home at the end of the convention and waits. Six months later, Nelson still hasn't delivered the safe and keeps playing phone tag until the customer finally gets sick of waiting and demands a refund.

Zack: Zack specializes in "self-defense". His table is covered in such items. He's the one who demonstrates stun guns by zapping the air with them; the clicking sound can be heard all the way across the convention center. Zack insists that the best self-defense tool is the shotgun and that all you need to do is rack the slide; no burglar in the world will hear that sound without needing to change his pants. You won't make any bets as to how long it takes for Zack to accidentally tear gas himself in front of a customer.

Nick: Nick's table is covered in various odds and ends, mostly conspiracy theory pamphlets and random gun parts, such as the bolt from a K31 rifle or the front sight off a Mosin-Nagant. The only thing that really stands out at his booth are the $180 bottle openers. For some inexplicable reason, Nick has very few customers and most of them look kind of shady.

Moe: Nobody is quite sure if Moe is one of the dealers or is just attending the gun show. He always hovers near one specific booth and tells stories that would do Bubba proud. Most of these are about Vietnam, and include stories about how .223 is such a deadly round because it tumbles in the air or that the AK-47 is such an ingenious design it can even use ammo of a different caliber. Moe is worth listening to just to see how long it takes him to get to a story about bump-firing underwater.

Diane: Diane hates guns. Her husband or father recently died or divorced her for being a crazy bitch and she decided to sell off his gun/s. She is the one you see walking over to the nearest dealer carrying a .44 Magnum revolver by the barrel, with the hammer cocked and live rounds in the cylinder. If the gun goes off as a result of her stupidity or the dealer berates her for such irresponsible behavior, she will place all the blame on the firearm itself and loudly insist that that's why she wants to get rid of the evil thing "for the children". All gun owners who see her will immediately and fervently pray that she hasn't reproduced and that she's merely using anti-gun rhetoric when she says this.

Big D: Big D is the pimpest gangsta around. Unfortunately, he isn't any brighter than Jose or Tommy. He spots a S&W 500 revolver and immediately asks if it's a full-auto "Deagle". Eventually he will settle on a G-lock 9mm pistol, and after haggling on the price will finally agree to the dealer's original price "if youse throws in a silencer". Big D will likely remain forever clueless and either have to settle for a Lorcin or hit one of his homies up for whichever pistol they stole last week.

Jay: Jay is immediately recognizable because he dresses like a yuppie. Everyone knows that if you go a gunshow, at least one article of clothing must be camo and you need a brand name somewhere on you. Jay is looking for a new magazine for his pistol. He does not know what make or model of firearm he has, but he is reasonably certain about the caliber. Most dealers will give up trying to get any useful information out of him and simply sell him a cheap magazine in vague hopes that it will work in his gun. Jay will later go home, find that the magazine won't go into his pistol, and bitch about what a crappy dealer he met at the gunshow.

Ted: Most of the attendees hate Ted. The dealers love him. He's the only one at the gun show with enough money to walk away with the broomhandle Mauser c96, full-auto factory-correct Colt M-16, or rare double-rifle you've been drooling over but could never afford if you lived a thousand years.