points to ponder and chuckle over

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by -06, Jul 10, 2012.


  1. -06

    -06 Monkey+++

    Deep Thoughts


    I have kleptomania but when it gets bad-----I take something for it
    Heaven is Where:The Police are British,
    The Chefs are Italian,
    The Mechanics are German,
    The Lovers are French andIt's all organized by the Swiss.
    Hell is Where:The Police are German,
    The Chefs are British,
    The Mechanics are French,
    The Lovers are Swiss and
    It's all organized by the Italians.
    Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
    My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
    Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
    Welcome to UtahSet your watch back 20 years.

    In just two days from now,
    Tomorrow will be yesterday.
    A bartender is just a pharmacist
    With a limited inventory
    I may be schizophrenic,
    But at least I have each other.

    I am a Nobody.
    Nobody is Perfect.
    Therefore I am Perfect.
    KENTUCKY:
    Five million people,
    Fifteen last names.
    I'm not your type.
    I'm not inflatable.
    Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
    In Memoriam
    With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed a while back, Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. Themost traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
    I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
    Sometimes I even put it in the food.
    When you work here,
    You can name your own salary.
    I named mine, "Fred".
    Money isn't everything,
    But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
    Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
    I am having an out-of-money experience.
    As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a cargoing the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
    "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
    Don't sweat the petty things.
    Don't pet the sweaty things.
    Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
    I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
    Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

    Impossibilities in the world
    1- You can't count your hair.
    2- You can't wash your eyes with soap.
    3- You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
    Please put your tongue back inside your mouth, you look stupid.
     
    Hairy and Witch Doctor 01 like this.
  2. TheEconomist

    TheEconomist Creighton Bluejay Site Supporter+

    "In Memoriam
    With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed a while back, Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. Themost traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started."
    This one was the best....and yes...I stuck out my tongue and took a breath.
     
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