Redneck Therapy

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by CRC, Aug 13, 2006.

  1. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Bubba went to a psychiatrist.
    " I've got problems."

    "Everytime I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. Im scared. I
    Think I'm going crazy."

    "Just put yourself in my hands for one year,"said the shrink. "Come
    talk to me three times a week,and we should be able
    to get rid of those fears."

    "How much do you charge?"
    "Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
    "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

    Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.
    "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?"
    asked the psychiatrist.
    "Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot
    of money!

    A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that
    money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

    "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

    "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there
    now!!!! </DI V="">
  2. monkeyman

    monkeyman Monkey+++ Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    lol More than one way to skin a possum.
  3. TailorMadeHell

    TailorMadeHell Lurking Shadow Creature

    Ah, where would we be without bartenders? They are the most overlooked in all of the professions. They have all types of skills. Advisor, a priest, a support group, and now psychiatry. :D
  4. Quigley_Sharps

    Quigley_Sharps The Badministrator Administrator Founding Member

    :D not bad at all...
  5. Seawolf1090

    Seawolf1090 Retired Curmudgeonly IT Monkey Founding Member

    Heck, y'all - it works! My box spring and mattress are frameless (on the floor)- I got no fears of things under the bed! :D

    Wonder what the bartender knows about closet monsters . . . :eek:
  6. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    I told my kids that the only monsters that actually existed were humans that didn't know the difference between right and wrong. All other monsters were pretend and that they could just pretend them away. My kids sleep well.

    I have friends who buy into the monster thing. I think it freaks the kids out to find that their parents really believe in the monsters under the bed (but that's just me). Here are some "remedies" for those monsters, usually used for those much younger, but you could try 'em:

    Mix water and something (anything with a nice smell) in a small spray bottle. Spray it in your room and say this poem;
    Monster in my closet,
    Monster under my bed,
    Better get ready to run & hide,
    Just one spray and you're dead!

    Another method is to put a picture of your monster (everyone's is different, ya' know) on the closet door and site this poem:
    Hey you monster
    Go fly a Kite
    Seawolf1090 will sleep well tonight!

    Are you ready to take my advice?
    Then go! Be gone!
    When I clap my hands twice!

    Now clap your hands twice. Your monsters will be gone.

    Good Luck!
  7. Wild Trapper

    Wild Trapper Pirate Biker

    When I was young I always checked under the bed for the monster! [bedtime]

    There was never one there, not ever!

    I grew up and went to Vietnam. :eek:

    There I saw the monster. :mad:

    He wasn't under the bed, now he lives in my head! [dancindevil] The demon dancing in my head!

    Sometimes he wakes me up in the night, but he is never under the bed.

    So, what is under the bed, I'm afraid to look, but I know it isn't a monster.[tng2]
  8. E.L.

    E.L. Moderator of Lead Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    I love that one Tracy, remind me of it here in a couple of years when my baby girl is old enough to worry about them. I will try that, or just let her have her own .45. :D
  9. TailorMadeHell

    TailorMadeHell Lurking Shadow Creature

    I also believe that the monsters aren't under my bed or in my closet. When I was a child my favorite book was 'Where The Wild Things Are'. I remember reading it so many times and wishing the 'monsters' would come and take me to live with them as opposed to living with the monsters that really scared the hell out of me. Let me tell you that alcoholic stepdads with evil intentions and short fuses are far more monstrous to me.

    Guess that's why I have a dark side complex. Just the thought of visiting justice upon the heads of those that caused me pain when I couldn't defend myself seems such a great idea, though I have to temper it with the knowledge that they will receive theirs in the end when all judgements are made. Okay, on to better things.

    Very educational. Corny though educational. :D I like the spray idea.
  10. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Jimmy Buffett has a song called "Vampires Mummies and the Holy Ghost"..

    "Those are things that terrify me the most..
    No alien psychopath or MTV host
    Scares me like Vampires Mummies and the Holy Ghost....

    Had a dream last night
    Took a time traveling ride
    Back to my childhood
    Where those monsters reside
    They snack on innocence
    And dine on self-esteem
    But I like to be in touch with what makes me scream ..."

    Your post, TMH, reminded me of that song....
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