Responses to Telemarketers

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by ghostrider, Apr 7, 2006.

  1. ghostrider

    ghostrider Resident Poltergeist Founding Member

    Responses to Telemarketers

    1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

    2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

    3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

    4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

    5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

    6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

    7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

    8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

    9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

    10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

    11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

    12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

    13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

    14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

    15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

    16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

    17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

    18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

    19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

    20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
  2. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    I tell them "I really appreciate your time, and know it could be better spent on someone who's going to say yes to you. Good luck, have a great day and don't forget to add me to the do not call list. Bye"

    I can usually hear them thanking me while I'm hanging up. :lol:
  3. Quigley_Sharps

    Quigley_Sharps The Badministrator Administrator Founding Member

    Your too nice Tracy. [bow]
  4. ColtCarbine

    ColtCarbine Monkey+++ Founding Member

    Yup, I cut 'em off right out of the chute :D
  5. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    Thank you!

    (Besides, [imwithstupid1] you see their other option, and I wouldn't wish that on anybody! [winkthumb] )
  6. ColtCarbine

    ColtCarbine Monkey+++ Founding Member

    :shock: [alllies]
  7. Quigley_Sharps

    Quigley_Sharps The Badministrator Administrator Founding Member

  8. ghostrider

    ghostrider Resident Poltergeist Founding Member

  9. BRONZ

    BRONZ Monkey+++ Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    now thats funny GR. I just act like I don't speak english
  10. ColtCarbine

    ColtCarbine Monkey+++ Founding Member

    Don't feed the [troll]
  11. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Is there such a thing as being "too " nice?????

    I'm confused..... :dunno:

  12. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    NOPE!! You're absolutely right! No such thing.

    There. I fixed that for ya'. [winkthumb]
  13. monkeyman

    monkeyman Monkey+++ Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Im not sure that would work so well since most of the ones who call here barely speak english themselves.
  14. Clyde

    Clyde Jet Set Tourer Administrator Founding Member

    I like to talk to telemarketers, when I am bored. I try to keep them on the phone for as long as possible while I do work or something else. How to prolong the conversation:

    1) take an interest in their life by asking many questions about them. After all, it is easiest to talk about yourself and creates a great report.

    2) try to trade childhood stories about stupid things you did.

    3) Always ask them to tell you more about the product even when you think you have heard it all. Ask detailed questions, like if a mortgage guy calls, "In what way to you believe the US dollar and the trade imbalance will affect 3 and 5 year interest rates? Follow up with, "with the sudden rise in commodity prices coupled with rising interest rates, do you feel we are heading for an economic collapse"

    4) ask them how many children they have

    5) are they a volunteer calling or do they work for a company that gets a portion of the income....What was their biggest "jibber jabber donation exploitation"

    I love telemarketers and they love me. Everytime I talk to them, they take me off their call list. [angel] [angel]
  15. melbo

    melbo Hunter Gatherer Administrator Founding Member

    My son used to tell them to:
    "hold on a sec, I'm almost done masturbating"
    We don't get any calls anymore b::
  16. E.L.

    E.L. Moderator of Lead Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Grunt a little every now and then, then when they ask if you are okay just tell them you are in the middle of taking a [flush] . Then when they ask if they can call back, state "no, no, now is fine. Oh crap! I am out of toilet paper." Just go on from there. Have some fun at their expense.
  17. warhead2

    warhead2 Monkey+++ Founding Member

    one time had one call and he was from padastain or Inda and i askd him in my best Kiwky mart voice if he had any slurpies or nukes it was so funny [LMAO]
  18. Quigley_Sharps

    Quigley_Sharps The Badministrator Administrator Founding Member

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