RETIRED HUSBAND

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by Yoldering, Sep 19, 2011.


  1. Yoldering

    Yoldering Monkey+

    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

    Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

    Dear Mrs. Harris,
    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail from a jar of brown gravy on the floor leading to the both the ladies and men’s restrooms.

    4.. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a
    reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

    5.. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

    6.. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7.. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

    8.. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMT’s were called.

    9 September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were

    11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

    And last, but not least:
    15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
     
  2. kckndrgn

    kckndrgn Moderator Moderator Founding Member

    [applaud][applaud]

    I need to try doing some of those next time, just to see what happens!
     
  3. beast

    beast backwoodsman

    i have never laughed so hard in my life
    im certainly gonna be havin fun next store run
    maybe i can get HER to quit shopping :D
     
  4. chelloveck

    chelloveck Diabolus Causidicus

    Ah yes,I too was once a member of the bored husbands brigade

    That was until I got divorced....and have never looked back. Now I can spend as much time as I like in gun stores, outdoors shops, fishing shops, book shops, hardware stores etc, without having to spend reciprocal time fussing about in habadasheries, and mercery stores, feigning to show absolutely fascinating interest in colour coordinating upholstery with her ladyship's latest fashion magazine's interior decorating supplement! : O
     
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