Sailor joke...

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by Bandit99, Feb 13, 2018.

  1. Bandit99

    Bandit99 Monkey+++ Site Supporter+

    As all know, different military services like to poke, prod, and humiliate each other as much and as often as possible. Personally, I have nothing against Squids, Jarheads and/or Zoomies and actually pity them with their low IQs, weak knees and sad - SIGH.... :)

    I came across some mean, Sailor jokes which set me to laughing so hard that I thought I would share them. They are a bit ripe so if you can't take a joke then it's best not to read've been warned.

    "An old, retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks
    once more for old time’s sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up
    to a room.

    He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing
    some reassurance, asks “How am I doing Darlin?”

    The prostitute replies, “Well old sailor, you’re doing about three

    “Three knots?” he asks, "What’s that supposed to mean?"
    She replies, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting
    your money back.”

    "A sailor who has been out at sea for two months stops at a brothel. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!” The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.” The sailor replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick.”

  2. Ura-Ki

    Ura-Ki Grudge Monkey

    Naw, I better not! Lol, deck apes, squids, brown waters, and snake turds might be offended!
  3. snake6264

    snake6264 Combat flip flop douchebag

    Hey up to four knots cause I'm not done yet
  4. Altoidfishfins

    Altoidfishfins Monkey+++ Site Supporter+

  5. SB21

    SB21 Monkey+++

    I was out one day with some friends , as usual, I was wearing my USMC cap. An old Navy vet started in about Navy this , and Navy that , then he said the Marine Corps was just a department of the Navy. To which I replied , " I know , the men's department " . That ended that conversation .
    But like you said , it's all just comaraderie rivalry .
  6. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    Another seagoing bellhop heard from. The Admiral's bags getting heavy? j/k uv cuss----
    oldman11, oldawg, Bandit99 and 3 others like this.
  7. Ura-Ki

    Ura-Ki Grudge Monkey

    Us FlyBoys always get the worst of it, no matter, we always get the last laugh!
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  8. Yard Dart

    Yard Dart Vigilant Monkey Moderator

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  9. tacmotusn

    tacmotusn Mosquito Sailor Site Supporter+

    Mud slogging ground pounding grunts calling sailors low intelligence? Boy, that is rich. The true Joke is that the Air Force and Navy get the highest enlisted IQ folks by enlistment screening tests. No brag! Cold truth. The screening for the 2 branches of mud apes and knuckle dragging ground pounders at the lowest level for acceptance is borderline idiot. Certain manuals for Armor and Infantry that were previously with pictures and text at a 5th grade level comprehension for understanding had to be reduced to comic books at a 3rd grade level to be understood. Need I repeat? No joke, just sad facts. Info provided from a retired Army E-8 active from 1976-2004 or so.
    sec_monkey, Ura-Ki and Bandit99 like this.
  10. Yard Dart

    Yard Dart Vigilant Monkey Moderator

  11. Yard Dart

    Yard Dart Vigilant Monkey Moderator

  12. Yard Dart

    Yard Dart Vigilant Monkey Moderator

    Maybe for your low level grunt trying to escape the inner city thug life....but 90% of the grunts I served with, were the smartest dumb asses I ever had the privilege to serve with!! Of course that info is from my simple mind, a rope hanging, knees in the breeze kinda 18th Airborne Monkey...... that shot first and asked questions later. ;)
  13. Yard Dart

    Yard Dart Vigilant Monkey Moderator

    oldman11, Ura-Ki and ghrit like this.
  14. Yard Dart

    Yard Dart Vigilant Monkey Moderator

  15. BTPost

    BTPost Old Fart Snow Monkey Moderator

    The Top one should be “ Chiefs around Officers Above LtJg” .... and “Senior Chiefs around Officers above Lt Commander” and “Master Chiefs around Officer at Captain and above”....
    sec_monkey, oldman11 and Ura-Ki like this.
  16. Yard Dart

    Yard Dart Vigilant Monkey Moderator

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  17. Yard Dart

    Yard Dart Vigilant Monkey Moderator


    WASHINGTON — Recently released statistics from a 2014 poll show that 99% of all platoon leaders are in abusive relationships with their respective platoon sergeants.

    The poll, conducted by the Military Times, reinforces the enduring practice of lieutenant abuse by non-commissioned officers in platoon sergeant positions.

    It was nearly unanimous in respondents aged 18 to 38 that they openly condoned and engaged in behaviors with their platoon leaders that would be chargeable as “abuse” under the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ). A small cross-section even displayed behavior that would violate Article 120 of the military justice system.

    Not surprisingly, most platoon leaders are not coming forward, either out of fear or simple ignorance of how NCOs should be treating them.

    One brave survivor, Nick Vance, a graduate of the United States Military Academy and currently attending seminary school, gave Duffel Blog an exclusive interview about living out his personal Hell.

    “When I met my first platoon sergeant he was the ideal NCO. He was funny, nurturing, and supportive. He would even pick me up in the morning for PT and treat me to breakfast at the DFAC. I honestly couldn’t have been happier,” said Vance about his co-leader.

    “But then, after about 3 months of working side by side, day in and day out, I started to notice things. They were little things at first. Like, he would stop talking to whoever he was speaking with when I walked up. When I would ask what he was talking about, he would say, ‘Don’t worry about it. It’s NCO business.’”

    “Or he would make snide comments about my Hooters waitress girlfriend, saying how she was a ‘bad influence’ on me.”

    Then, according to Vance, his platoon sergeant gradually became openly hostile and would randomly “fly off the handle” at the smallest remark.

    “He became very demeaning. After years of therapy I learned he was trying to isolate me when he forbade me from going to the company commander’s meeting or speaking with senior officers. He would rewrite my training schedules, tell me how everything I touched was ‘a clusterfuck, at best,’ and ‘out’ me on the radio. After I filled out our platoon’s range card with primary and secondary sectors of fire converging onto the company command post (CP) I knew it was only a matter of time before he took it to the next level.”

    And took it the next level he did, according to Vance.

    “Every time I would try to call cadence during platoon runs or organize chalks for Air Assaults I would be met with a string of profanity and flying garbage cans,” said Vance. “Where do you even put garbage cans during a 3 mile run?”

    Finally, the officer was pushed to his breaking point.

    “I felt trapped and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I couldn’t go inside the CP without being sprayed with fire extinguishers or called ‘Lieutenant Fauntleroy.’ I finally resigned my commission when I was held down by all of the platoon sergeants while they ritualistically shaved me.”

    Vance briefly stopped to compose himself, adding: “ALL of me.”

    It is because of cases like Vance’s that major news outlets and human rights groups are finally taking notice and forcing senior enlisted leaders to respond. Newly appointed Sgt. Maj. of the Army Daniel Dailey, informed of the accusations only this morning, vowed to act once he takes the top post on Jan. 30.

    “I take these issues extremely seriously and will stop at nothing to resolve these allegations,” Dailey told reporters. “I will discuss these results with my staff and do my very best to bring the level back up to 100% like our forefathers intended.”

    Study: 99% Of Lieutenants In Abusive Relationship With Platoon Sergeants
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  18. Bandit99

    Bandit99 Monkey+++ Site Supporter+

    Okay...fair is fair... another one...

    Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
    One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
    Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
    The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
    “No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”
    While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it.
    When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
    Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it.
    The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.
    As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
    “How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked.
    “This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?"
    "No, this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”
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  19. Asia-Off-Grid

    Asia-Off-Grid RIP 11-8-2018

    Submariners: 300 sailors go out, 150 couples return.

    biglaff biglaff
    SB21, Ura-Ki, Zimmy and 1 other person like this.
  20. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    That would be a bigger than average boat. (More often, the return to port is met with divorce papers --)
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