Sent By an Anonymous UPS Driver

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by RouteClearance, Apr 13, 2020.


  1. RouteClearance

    RouteClearance Monkey+++

    1) Steve: He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He's sizing me up as I deliver his ammo. Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.
    2) Brad: He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new "Bernie Bro" hat at the tape. Brad will not survive. Steve will probably eat him.
    3) Nancy: She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about "The Rona" on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper. She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.
    4) Karen: She has called everybody and read them the latest news on "The Rona". She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonald's, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen's kids are currently faking "The Rona" to avoid her. I'm delivering "Hello Kitchen" to her. Karen will not survive longer than Brad.
    5) Mary: Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I'm bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days. Mary will survive and marry Steve. Together they will repopulate the earth
     
  2. Dunerunner

    Dunerunner Brewery Monkey Moderator

    I am so stealing this one... :D
     
    Seepalaces, HK_User and UncleMorgan like this.
  3. Lancer

    Lancer TANSTAFL! Site Supporter+++

    I see others hit Organic Prepper...
    I know all of these people......
     
  4. BTPost

    BTPost Stumpy Old Fart Snow Monkey Moderator

    but none of them live out here, except Steve, who could if he choose to....
     
    SB21, oldawg, HK_User and 1 other person like this.
  5. Dont

    Dont Just another old gray Jarhead Monkey Site Supporter+++

    Steve could be found in Idaho as well.. Trouble Steve would have here is if he wasn't to friendly he may not survive..
     
    HK_User likes this.
  6. HK_User

    HK_User A Productive Monkey is a Happy Monkey

    Steve went to the outhouse and the Hogs ate him.
    Problem solved.
    (Back story) Out house was often next to the Hog Pens, Hogs could bust through and give a visitor a cold nose up the rear. True story.
     
    Cruisin Sloth likes this.
  7. ditch witch

    ditch witch I do stupid crap, so you don't have to

    6. DW: Answers the door in a tank top and shorts with a shotgun and a doberman. Tells me a dirty joke then hands me a thermos with coffee that's more Irish than Arabica. Also hands me a homemade surgical mask with "muh muh muh MYYYY CORONAAA" embroidered across the front and begs me to wear it when I drop off Nancy's order, just to screw with her. I leave her two bags of dog food, three rolls of duct tape, 50 ft of heavy duty garden hose.... and a shock collar. She smiles and winks. Deciding she will outlast them all I also leave her my number.
     
  8. Wildbilly

    Wildbilly Monkey++

    What are you going to do with the duct tape?
     
    SB21 likes this.
  9. Wildbilly

    Wildbilly Monkey++

    I'm Steve!!
     
    SB21 likes this.
  10. ditch witch

    ditch witch I do stupid crap, so you don't have to

    What won't I do with the duct tape....
     
    Ganado, oldawg and HK_User like this.
  11. runswithdogs

    runswithdogs Monkey+++

    Ahhh duct tape... so many uses, so lil time.....

    42B3E9C9-17C9-487D-9D74-B141076320A5.
     
    Ganado, ditch witch and HK_User like this.
  12. Wildbilly

    Wildbilly Monkey++

    I know that I'm going to regret asking, but "What exactly are your plans for that duck?"!
     
    SB21 and HK_User like this.
  13. runswithdogs

    runswithdogs Monkey+++

    He will join his many brethren in the warm embrace of the eternal gas oven......
     
  14. Wildbilly

    Wildbilly Monkey++

    Ahhhh, so the duct tape saves time plucking feathers? So sorry to have insinuated that you are some kinda kinky perv that would misuse duct tape....unlike someone whose name I will not mention.:LOL:
     
  15. runswithdogs

    runswithdogs Monkey+++

    Duck “waxing” .....much faster than plucking....
    As for the rest.... :whistle::whistle::whistle:
     
    Ganado and ghrit like this.
survivalmonkey SSL seal        survivalmonkey.com warrant canary
17282WuJHksJ9798f34razfKbPATqTq9E7