So........A guy walks into a bar.....

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by chelloveck, Oct 17, 2012.

  1. Sapper John

    Sapper John Analog Monkey in a Digital World

    Well, Old Teddy's been clean and sober now for what? Three years?
  2. Airtime

    Airtime Monkey+++

    For Chelloveck in particular but all who appreciate the obscure,

    The French philosopher Rene' Descartes enters a bar. The bartender says, "hey pal, would you like a beer?"
    Descartes replies, "Oh, I think not." And he disappears.

    Gets ya just thinkin...

  3. kellory

    kellory An unemployed Jester, is nobody's fool. Banned

    "I think; therefore I am."
  4. Airtime

    Airtime Monkey+++

    Another obscure one just came to mind:
    Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar, and he doesn't.

    And Heisenberg was pulled over by a LEO on his way to the bar. The police officer asks if he knew how fast he was going. Heisenberg replies "No, but I know exactly where I am."

    These are getting out there sorry.
    chelloveck and tulianr like this.
  5. chelloveck

    chelloveck Diabolus Causidicus

    Sartre walks into a bar...and the barman asks him what he wants to drink...Sartre replied..."just water and Pepto-Bismol".

    "Of course" said the barman..."La Nausée?"
    Gafarmboy and Airtime like this.
  6. kellory

    kellory An unemployed Jester, is nobody's fool. Banned

    Two blonds walk into a bar...(You'd a thought one of them would have seen it...)
  7. kellory

    kellory An unemployed Jester, is nobody's fool. Banned

    Hear about the Termite who walks into the bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
    chelloveck likes this.
  8. kellory

    kellory An unemployed Jester, is nobody's fool. Banned

    Bartender has the same crowd in his bar every Friday night. And all night long they brag about the size of their peckers, the women they had and how much beer they can drink. Every time, and he is sick of hearing about it!
    Friday rolls around, and here they come again! So he announces his frustration to the crowd and say "We're gonna put an end to this stupidity! Everyone anny up $50.00 each, and lay 'em out on the bar! You will be measured for the record, and the winner Takes the pot home! And I never want to hear about who's biggest again, got it?"
    Well, they had all had a few beers by this time, and the fiftys start piling up in the jar, they all stand to attention, and lay 'em out. About this time an unknown patron walks in....."UM, Can I help you?" says the barman. The man looks at the bar and says "No, I'll just have the buffet...."
  9. Airtime

    Airtime Monkey+++

    Playwrites, hmmmm.... How bout this?
    The bartender notices Beckett standing outside the men's room for 15 min. Decides to ask if anything is wrong and Samuel replies, "Just waiting to go."

    Terrible pun. I am so very very sorry. Chelloveck got me going, blame him.

    Gafarmboy and chelloveck like this.
  10. chelloveck

    chelloveck Diabolus Causidicus

  11. Airtime

    Airtime Monkey+++

    Oooo... I like it.

    And I bet he also had that evil substance dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO) in his water too. That stuff (also known as hydronium hydroxide or hydric acid) has killed thousands of people over the years, especially when in large concentrations. Polls show that over 80% of the population supports a ban on DHMO being added to our water and it is disturbing the population is so misinformed about it. This stuff can affect cell membranes, mutate DNA and is common in many toxic substances such as hydrochloric acid, sulfuric acid and many poisons. I was looking recently at the CDC's Jan 2011 report for Deaths and 3,696 died from a DHMO related cause in 2010. Maybe the liberals will call for a ban on it....

    VisuTrac likes this.
  12. kellory

    kellory An unemployed Jester, is nobody's fool. Banned

    Really? 3696 people drowned? That's terrible...must have been a gun dealer's convention.
  13. Airtime

    Airtime Monkey+++

    I heard they weren't gun dealers but rather was "a pretty good start."
  14. kellory

    kellory An unemployed Jester, is nobody's fool. Banned

    oh, lawyers. my bad.
  15. Airtime

    Airtime Monkey+++

    Baraboo, Wisconsin many years ago was the summer home for the Barnum and Bailey Circus. And because of some problems with it, Baraboo passed several ordinances attempting to control things.

    One evening a bear escaped and wandered into a bar. The bear smuggles up to the bar and orders a beer. The barkeeper replies, "Oh, I'm sorry but we are not allowed to sell big brown bears beer in Baraboo bars."

    The bear insists and bar tender repeats, "The law is quite clear, I'm not allowed to sell big brown bears beer in Baraboo bars.". To which the bear looks around and says, "If you don't give this big brown bear a beer I'll eat the women down at the end of the bar."

    The bartender refuses and the beer pounces on the women and gobbles her down. Then the bear threatens the bar keep, "if you don't serve this big brown bear a beer, I'll do the same to you.". The bartender counters, "Oh no you won't, you're going to fall asleep."

    "What do you mean, I'll fall asleep?"

    Barkeeper smugly retorts, "That was a barbitur Ate."

    Groan... Yeah I'm sorry (well not really).
    So this suggests a new thread... Your favorite tongue twister

  16. Brokor

    Brokor Live Free or Cry Moderator Site Supporter+++ Founding Member

    A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ‘I’ll have a whiskey and ……… soda.’
    The bartender says, ‘Why the big pause?’ ‘Dunno,’ says the bear. ‘I’ve always had them.’


    A little pig walks into a bar, orders a drink and asks direction to the lavatories. The barman tells him where the gents are and the pig hurries off to relieve himself. A second little pig then comes in, orders a drink and asks for the lavatories. Again the barman tells the pig where to go and the pig hurries away. A third little pig then appears and orders a drink. ‘I suppose you’ll want to know where the toilets are,’ says the barman. ‘No,’ replies the pig. ‘I’m the one that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.’
    chelloveck likes this.
  17. chelloveck

    chelloveck Diabolus Causidicus

  18. chelloveck

    chelloveck Diabolus Causidicus

    For the grammar nazis....

    By Eric K. Auld
    A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
    A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.
    A question mark walks into a bar?
    Two quotation marks "walk into" a bar.
    A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink.
    The bar was walked into by the passive voice.
    Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They drink. They leave.

    by chello

    Two infinitives walk into a bar, have a drink, and then split...
    Gafarmboy, Airtime, kellory and 2 others like this.
  19. chelloveck

    chelloveck Diabolus Causidicus

    Airtime likes this.
  20. GreenTeaBlend

    GreenTeaBlend Monkey+

    Paddy and Seamus were walking home from the pub. Paddy says to Seamus, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon, why don't ya."

    Seamus stops and looks at Paddy, "You're wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun." Both started arguing for a while when they come upon a real drunk walking in the other direction, so they stop him.

    "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

    The drunk looks at the sky and then looks at them, and said, "Sorry, I don’t live around here."
    chelloveck likes this.
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