If you go to the game, you'll miss the show By DAVE BARRY It's Super Bowl Sunday at last. Finally -- after all the hype, all the parties, all the talk -- we will get to see what the Super Bowl is really, in the end, all about: the TV commercials. There will be a lot of them, because the total Super Bowl broadcast package runs longer than the administration of the late Gerald Ford, having begun two weeks ago with the pre -pre -pre -pre-pre-pre-pre-pregame show (Peyton Manning: The Early Bowel Movements). You will not want to miss a single hour of this coverage. SPECIAL MESSAGE FOR MEN: I assume you will be watching on a brand-new high-definition TV with an 11-foot-diagonal screen delivering a picture so enormously lifelike that, to comprehend what you are seeing, you have to watch from your driveway. I hope you did not allow anybody -- defined as ''your wife'' -- to convince you that you don't need a new TV, because your current TV still works fine, or you need the money for your child's insulin, or some other lame excuse. You do not want to be known in your neighborhood as ''the guy with the small diagonal.'' The Super Bowl is today; the electronics stores are open right now. You need to step up and be a MAN, by clipping out the following newspaper article and giving it to your wife: SMALL TVS CAUSE CANCER, STUDY SHOWS NEW YORK OR BOSTON -- (AP) -- A scientific study, done by scientists, has shown that small television screens cause cancer. ''If your TV set is not the size of, at minimum, a Toyota Camry, you are taking a serious medical risk,'' stated Dr. Harold Gropenfinger, a scientist. ``A person who would deliberately expose her family, including children, to a smaller TV is, in my scientific opinion, scum.'' Dr. Gropenfinger won the 1998 Nobel Peace Prize for Science for discovering that beer prevents heart disease. * * * Aside from the commercials, the highlight of the Super Bowl broadcast package is expected to be the Pepsi Or Coke ''They Taste Essentially the Same'' Halftime Show, headlined by a name that has long been virtually synonymous with pro football: Prince. Prince held a press conference Thursday at the Miami Beach Convention Center; he told the press that, while he admired the potency of the Indianapolis offense, he expected the Bears to neutralize the Colts' deep-strike air attack by dropping seven men into coverage. Ha! I am of course joking. Prince -- who is, physically, smaller than the average NFL player's protective cup -- did not talk about football, or anything else. Instead, he brought his band and his hot women dancers, and they did some songs for the media, expressing the theme: ``I may be tiny and sexually ambiguous, but you will notice that these hot women dancers are writhing against ME, as opposed to YOU, loser media person.'' The big question on everybody's mind, of course, is: What is the danger that we, as a nation, will be exposed to Prince's nipple? I regret to report that, judging by the press conference, the danger is very real. Prince wore an unbuttoned shirt, and when he writhed around, there was definite visible nipplage. However, because he is Prince, we are talking about extremely small nipples. However, if you have purchased a doctor-recommended cancer-preventing large-diagonal TV, even Prince's nipple will appear in your family room to be the size of a dinner plate. What I'm saying is: Be ready. The Super Bowl pregame show will feature another name that has strong football associations: Cirque du Soleil (French for ``Strap of the Jock''). We got a small taste of the pregame show at the press conference, and all I can say is, if you like mimes, you will love this show! It includes people dressed as sexually ambiguous referees riding on giant flamingos, just as the late Vince Lombardi used to do. Also appearing at the press conference was Billy Joel, who will sing the National Anthem with both nipples fully covered. One of the many bets you can place in Las Vegas on the Super Bowl this year -- I am not making this up -- is whether the Anthem will go over, or under, one minute and 42 seconds. Joel was asked at the press conference how long he expects to take, and he replied: ``I don't know. I'm only saying that because I might be betting myself.''