Tasers + Guys..

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by CRC, Jan 18, 2007.

  1. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    ok, ok...a GUY sent me this, before y'all give me any crapola......[LMAO]

    Only A Guy Would Do This!

    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a
    guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
    interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
    little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
    100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
    suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
    assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
    triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
    disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed
    it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
    electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
    face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?! There
    I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
    soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed
    to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
    thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
    better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
    perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser
    in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
    disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
    spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
    purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
    water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
    less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
    itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What
    happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
    as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from
    such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS
    DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!
    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
    in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
    over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
    with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
    nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
    position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
    meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
    thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
    of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
    yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

    SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
    as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
    little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
    glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???
    My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
    like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
    I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for
    their safe return.

    Still in shock,
  2. Blackjack

    Blackjack Monkey+++

    Funny.... Anybody here ever try it?

    Been hit with pepper & cs, but never electricity.
  3. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Somehow ....I knew someone would ask that.... :unsure:
  4. snowbyrd

    snowbyrd Latet anguis in herba

    uhh. gaaaccckkkk no

    [smsh] GGEEE IImmmannnginnnne testing somthin' out befur ya gived it ta ya wife. Test drive a car rigjht??? [dunno] [hissyfit] (it failed to eject) Test them firearms. uh, hoits lik 'ell. :cry: snowbyrd
    Ejecting cars? Shoot gat hit my lightning once an still got pblms with da muscles.[violin]
  5. sniper-66

    sniper-66 Monkey+++ Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    I just got a video clip from a friend this morning of a bunch of off duty cops with a taser and a can of beer. One guy shotguns a beer and in the middle of it, his friend hits him with a taser. Of course, he spews beer everywhere while he falls to the ground a flopping mass. It was cool!
  6. E.L.

    E.L. Moderator of Lead Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Jackass, the movie.

  7. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Now we're thinking alike..... [applaud] [LMAO]
  8. Tango3

    Tango3 Aimless wanderer

    "Push the button ...nothing???"
    Have to put that on my to-do list right after shutting testicles in kitchen silverware drawer...[LMAO]
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