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thanks for all the emails...

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Ladyhawke, Mar 22, 2011.

  1. Ladyhawke

    Ladyhawke Monkey+

    As we progress through the year 2011, I want to thank everyone for all the educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

    I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel.
    I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread
    because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

    I have trouble shaking hands
    with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

    Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because
    I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

    I can't touch any woman's purse
    for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

    to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

    now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

    I no longer have any savings
    because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

    I no longer have any money,
    but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

    I no longer worry about my soul
    because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

    I can't have a drink in a bar
    because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

    I can't eat at KFC
    because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

    I can't use cancer-causing deodorants
    even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

    I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

    I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

    I no longer buy
    gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

    I no longer use Cling Wrap
    in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

    I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

    I no longer go to the movies
    because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

    I no longer go to shopping malls
    because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

    I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to <COUNTRY-REGION w:st="on">Jamaica</COUNTRY-REGION> , <COUNTRY-REGION w:st="on">Uganda</COUNTRY-REGION> , <COUNTRY-REGION w:st="on">Singapore</COUNTRY-REGION> , and <COUNTRY-REGION w:st="on">
    Uzbekistan</PLACE></COUNTRY-REGION> ..

    I no longer buy cookies from Woolies
    since I now have their recipe.

    I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

    I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

    I can't do any gardening
    because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

    Oh, by the way.....

    A German scientist from <COUNTRY-REGION w:st="on">
    Argentina</PLACE></COUNTRY-REGION> , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

    Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

    P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. Out of the toilet.


    Legion489, Disciple, Tracy and 4 others like this.
  2. BTPost

    BTPost Old Fart Snow Monkey Moderator

    Don't forget to renew your subscription to Bad Living Magazine..... A publication that helps you be as scared of everything as the most paranoid person you know......
    Disciple and Tracy like this.
  3. RouteClearance

    RouteClearance Monkey+++ Site Supporter

  4. Seawolf1090

    Seawolf1090 Adventure Riding Monkey Founding Member

    "I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom."

    Or she used that handy 'purse holder' in the porta-potties......... :lol:
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