The Answers to Health Questions

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by Conagher, Sep 15, 2005.

  1. Conagher

    Conagher Dark Custom Rider Moderator Emeritus Founding Member


    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this

    A: Your heart is good for only so many beats, and that's it - don't
    waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
    heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the
    life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
    and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
    an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
    grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
    leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
    recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine;
    that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
    of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
    exercise program?

    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain.

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

    A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
    oil. In fact, they're permeated by it. How could getting more vegetables
    be bad for you?

    Q: Will sit-ups or taking walks help prevent me from getting a little
    soft around the middle?

    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

    A: Are you crazy? HELLO - Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's
    the best feel-good food around.


    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


    Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
    A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape.


    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
    about food and diets. And remember:

    "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
    arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid
    in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body
    thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a
  2. monkeyman

    monkeyman Monkey+++ Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Thats the one. The only guarantee in life is none of us are getting out of it alive, so why take the chance that your gonna go by chokeing on wheat grass and tofu.
survivalmonkey SSL seal warrant canary