THE ANSWERS TO HEALTH QUESTIONS YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO HEAR: Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is good for only so many beats, and that's it - don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. ____________________________________ Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. ____________________________________ Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine; that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! ____________________________________ Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain. Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated by it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? ____________________________________ Q: Will sit-ups or taking walks help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. ____________________________________ Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO - Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around. ____________________________________ Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. __________________________________ Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape. ----------------------------------------------------------- Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"