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The difference between Dogs, and Cats...

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by CRC, Mar 10, 2008.

  1. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    How to give a cat a pill

    1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

    10 Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T -shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

    13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

    14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

    15 Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

    How To Give A Dog A Pill

    1. Wrap it in bacon.

    2 . Toss it in the air.
  2. Blackjack

    Blackjack Monkey+++

    Very funny........ and true :)
  3. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

  4. CBMS

    CBMS Looking for a safe place

    hahaa, i read this in class and got stared at for laughing in the middle of the explanation of why the galaxy is the shape its in..
    So worth it.
    Thanks guys
  5. Valkman

    Valkman Knifemaker Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    That's great - I have to give one of my cats a pill every few days so I crush it and mix it with canned food and he eats it right up. Of course I have to give some to the other 2 cats also, but it's easier that going the catchhimandforceitdownhim routine.
  6. NVBeav

    NVBeav Monkey+++

    My old roommate and I had a cat that needed hairball medicine (a gooey brown substance). Faithfully we would fight with the cat every night to put it on her tongue -- I would hold the cat and he would try opening her mouth and wiping off some of the goo. Many wounds are still to be found and much time was wasted.

    A couple years later my wife and I needed to do the same goo with the same cat... On a whim, I read the directions and put some on my finger. The cat licked it right off. Boy, did I feel like a doofus. [beat]
  7. Blackjack

    Blackjack Monkey+++

    A good trick (if they don't like the taste) is to wipe it on the front of their paw..... they can't stand it being on there and will lick it off. You have to be careful though.... if you leave it globbed up on it's paw, a single "flick" and you've got hairball remedy projectiles flying across the house and sticking to the walls.
  8. Abby Normal

    Abby Normal Monkey++

    I love cats, trouble is...
    I can't eat a whole one!

  9. monkeyman

    monkeyman Monkey+++ Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    We had an epeleptic cat (eveloped after it tried to dive in the bowl while the dog was eating...oops) that had to get a pill every day or he would uncontrolably chase his rump when he went into siezures. Fortunatly he was mellow enouph (or just spaced out enouph) that MO Titmouse was able to just stuff it down his throat without much of a fight.

    Our dogs arent bad for pills but they HATE when I have to worm them. I generaly use the old fashioned farm meathod. Bite a small chunk off a plug of tobacco and get it chewed up and wet then spit the whole mess down the dogs throat followed by a nice dose of castor oil... I think they actualy prefer when we can aford to take them to the vet for it, temp takeing and all. LOL
  10. TailorMadeHell

    TailorMadeHell Lurking Shadow Creature

    MM remind me never to need to be wormed at your house. Haha.

    As far as the difference between cats and dogs, that is by far the truth. In my life so far I have been bitten by a dog and by cats. A friend asked me which was the worse and I will have to say the cats. He asked why and I pointed out the obvious. Dogs have teeth and claws. As any cat owner knows, kitties come with needles and razors. Haha.

    Worse fight I had with a cat, worse than bathtime, was when I removed a wolf worm from my cat. It took two people to hold the howling razor whirlwind while I removed the parasite that didn't want to leave. It was a crazy experience, though after I had cleaned the area and disposed of the worm, she loved me again. Haha.
  11. Allen

    Allen Monkey+

    Now you know why we keep an "emergency backup cat". The old buggers are a lot more understanding when they see a replacement standing behind them.

    BTW, two of our cats were upstairs one time playing with a paper shopping bag with a handle attached. Somehow, the smaller one was inside the bag when the other one got the handle over his head, spooking him.
    All we know is a cat came down stairs with a bag thumping behind him.
    He never should have stopped, the smaller female was PISSED. Had to keep them seperated for a month, for his protection.
  12. XR750

    XR750 Monkey+

    Dog's are useful and cat's taste good.
  13. medstud

    medstud Just a pilgrim

    No cats for me. I try to learn from other people's mistakes. And that is why I have a dog...to keep the cats away.
  14. dragonfly

    dragonfly Monkey+++

    I have cats to keep the dogs away!
    ( really BIG cats!)
    Trouble with either is:
    Dogs get mad at you, and they chew up your shoes, or bite you...!
    Cats get mad at you, and they POOP on your pillow!
    Cats are sneaky, vicious, and onery...I love that in an animal!
    ( reminds me of a wife I had, once!)
  15. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    :lol: I've often said that if I had a cat, I'd have to name it Kibble, because that's what it would be to my dog.
  16. Allen

    Allen Monkey+

    When my daughter got two hamsters, I suggested the names Lunch & Midnight snack. She went with Fuzzy Wazzy & Woodchuck.
    One night Fuzzy Wazzy escaped, with the help of Emergency Back-up Cat. She thought she was eaten, but I noticed how interested the cat was in the undeside of the sofa. We later spoted the hamster near the dishwasher, scampering under the cabinet everytime anything got close. I had to remove the dishwasher to retrieve it, quite unharmed from the ordeal.
    The hamsters no longer live on the table but under it.
  17. fortunateson

    fortunateson I hate Illinois Nazis!

    For those of you with Rabbits, I found a really easy way to get them to take dewormer pastes.

    First of all, If you have to treat With Ivermectin, skip over the $35 injectable, and just go for the $6 horse paste. Treats 1500 pound of horse, so as far as rabbits... goes a LONG way.

    Anyway, take a popsicle stick and just slap a dab onto their front paws.
    They'll immediately start licking ALL of it off.
    I tried holding them / prying mouths open etc. Gave up after my arms started looking like Bruce Lee's chest in Game of Death.
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