The Difference Between Men and Women

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by Seacowboys, Apr 3, 2014.

  1. Seacowboys

    Seacowboys Senior Member Founding Member

    Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

    And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

    And then, there is silence in the car.

    To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

    And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

    And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

    And Fred is thinking: that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

    And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

    And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

    And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

    And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

    And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

    And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

    "Fred," Martha says aloud.

    "What?" says Fred, startled.

    "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

    "What?" says Fred.

    "I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

    "There's no horse?" says Fred.

    "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

    "No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

    "It's just's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

    (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

    "Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

    "Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

    "What way?" says Fred.

    "That way about time," says Martha.

    "Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

    "Thank you, Fred," she says.

    "Thank you," says Fred.

    Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

    The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

    They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

    Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

    And that's the difference between men and women.

  2. RightHand

    RightHand Been There, Done That RIP 4/15/21 Moderator Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    LOL Maybe I'm a hermaphrodite because I can see myself as both of them at different times in my life or maybe it has something to do with estrogen, either too much or not enough. Ah, the mysteries of life
    Cruisin Sloth and Mike like this.
  3. BTPost

    BTPost Stumpy Old Fart Snow Monkey Moderator

    Definitely, a Mars - Venus thing................
    Mike likes this.
  4. melbo

    melbo Hunter Gatherer Administrator Founding Member

    My wife got a huge laugh out of this. Thanks!
  5. kellory

    kellory An unemployed Jester, is nobody's fool. Banned

    Men and women think completely differently.

    A man will find the perfect woman and hope she stays that way forever, a woman will find a man with potential and spend the rest of her life trying to change him.
    A man will sort his tools by what they do. "These are carpentry, these are painting, these are automotive...." A woman will sort them by color " It was blue!" A man will go so far as to paint outlines around his tools on a wall, just so it is known where they belong, a woman will leave them wherever they were last used, in case they are needed again.
    A man will set up a room the way he wants it to be, and it will remain that way for the next ten years, you can replace the furniture by the marks in the carpet and the oxidation of the paint. A woman will get up in the middle of the night to move furniture.... I know. I have run into a couch that was NOT THERE when I went to bed.
    A man is expected to never forget the first date. Her dress, where they went, the food, but never supposed to remember what he spent.
    A man is expected to never forget a birthday, but never remember the year....
    A man is expected to know both sides of a conversation SHE had with someone else on the phone, while not eavesdropping on her conversation.
    A woman will never fail to notice if a man forgets to lower the toilet seat, but sees no reason for her to raise it.
    A woman sees no problem when she goes " out with the girls", but fails to see the fairness of a man " going out with the girls"....;)
    Mike, Yard Dart and tulianr like this.
  6. Motomom34

    Motomom34 Monkey+++

    LOL! that was great. Not sure what it means but I really identify with Fred.
    Mike and Yard Dart like this.
  7. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    Mike likes this.
  8. Mike

    Mike Ol' Army Sergeant Monkey

    Me too
  9. -06

    -06 Monkey+++

    LOL, copied and sent it to several on my address book.
    Mike likes this.
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