The Stance...for Women...(Ok..Men..Skip this!)

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by CRC, Nov 21, 2005.


  1. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    God help me..I had tears laughing while reading this..it's soooooo true! :D




    TOILET-SQUATTING EXERCISE CLASS

    My mother was a fanatic about public toilets.

    As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat."

    And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have wet down my leg. And we'd go home.

    That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer.
    You check for feet under the stall doors.
    Every one is occupied.

    Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in
    to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume "The Stance." Relief. More relief.

    Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit
    down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the
    seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale.

    To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew
    your nose on that's in your purse. It would have to do.
    You crumble it in the puffiest way possible.
    It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

    Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat.

    You get up quickly, but it's too late.
    Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly,
    "You don't know what kind of diseases you could get."

    And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of
    the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket,
    then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

    You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. One kind soul at the very end of the line points
    out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on
    your shoe as long as the Mississippi River!

    You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly,
    "Here. You might need this."

    At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you.
    "What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed.

    This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.

    This is dedicated to all women everywhere
    who have ever had to deal with a public toilet.

    And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long.
     
  2. Clyde

    Clyde Jet Set Tourer Administrator Founding Member

    Just wait TIL you get home.
     
  3. Clyde

    Clyde Jet Set Tourer Administrator Founding Member

    I won't stop you either way
     
  4. Quigley_Sharps

    Quigley_Sharps The Badministrator Administrator Founding Member

    I would rather outdoors anytime
     
  5. Clyde

    Clyde Jet Set Tourer Administrator Founding Member

    Melbo and I used to call that, "A woodland scene"
     
  6. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    :D
    It's sooo true.
     
  7. ghrit

    ghrit Old, mean, and nasty Administrator Founding Member

    Jeez. And all this time, I thought "The Stance" was that position assumed over the kitchen sink or stove -- [troll] [peep]
     
  8. E.L.

    E.L. Moderator of Lead Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    :oops: Too much information.................. :oops:
     
  9. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member


    The "other" Stance..... :rolleyes:


    ;)

    We women are talented creatures....We have to be....
     
  10. melbo

    melbo Hunter Gatherer Administrator Founding Member

    Ahh... still better than having that 'blue water-splash-back' from the port-o-jon...

    Huh, Construction guys? That's enough to make you want to take the rest of the day off and find a truckstop shower... :eek:
     
  11. kckndrgn

    kckndrgn Moderator Moderator Founding Member

    um, I almost hate to admit this, but I've had to do the "stance" as well. :shock: Or at least a variation of it :D

    My wife and I (then she was my fiance) took a trip to Korea & China a couple of years ago. Most of the places had traditional toilettes and urinals, except for this one tourist spot on the Korean island of Jeju. The toilettes looked like squished urinals that were embedded in the floor. So if you had to do a #2 men and women would have to squat over it. When I had to do it, the entire time I felt like I was going to fall into the damn thing.

    Lesson learned - go to the bathroo :D m at the hotel BEFORE going to the tourist spots :D

    Ryan
     
  12. Quigley_Sharps

    Quigley_Sharps The Badministrator Administrator Founding Member

    Called Hard hats here on our Construction sites [peep]
     
  13. melbo

    melbo Hunter Gatherer Administrator Founding Member

    lol, usually just called a Shi**er here
     
  14. BigUglyOne

    BigUglyOne Monkey+++ Founding Member

    Porta Sh!tter here. Had the blue ball wash several times in the Army LMAO
     
  15. Seacowboys

    Seacowboys Senior Member Founding Member

    was on a coast guard BOA contract once and printed and laminated a notice to post on porta-shitters about blue splash hazards and a stern warning that turds longer than six inches and greater than three inches in circumference must be hand lowered. The stupid safety-guy actually sort of bought it and called a meetigg to find ou if it were for real or not.
     
  16. Quigley_Sharps

    Quigley_Sharps The Badministrator Administrator Founding Member

    :eek:
     
  17. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member


    This is where that new word "Sarchasm" comes in handy.... ;)
     
  18. ghostrider

    ghostrider Resident Poltergeist Founding Member

    :lol:
     
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