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Tired of the funniest wbsite in the world

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by Seacowboys, Jan 15, 2007.

  1. Seacowboys

    Seacowboys Senior Member Founding Member

    Tired of the funniest website in the world

    Why do farts smell?
    So deaf people can enjoy them, too.

    Why did the Canadian cross the road?
    He saw some American do it on TV.

    What is green and yellow and lies in a pile of cookie crumbs?
    A beat-up girl scout.

    ''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards.
    Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he almost died!''
    ''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, “earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''
    All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.
    ''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''

    One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway.
    He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."
    She says no again, and tries to fall asleep. The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?"
    At that number, the blonde agrees.
    The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500.
    "Got it," she replies.
    He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5.
    Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?"
    The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives her $500.00.
    Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"
    She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.

    A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The doctor finishes the exam and tells the man, "I have some bad news, you only have have about two weeks left to live".
    The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, "Is there is any thing that he could do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?"
    The doctor thinks for a moment. "There is one thing that you could do".
    "Just name it, I''''ll do whatever it is". He tells the man to take alot of mud baths,two or three a day.
    The man looks at his doctor asks, "Will that help my condition"?
    The doctor says, "No, but it will get you used to the dirt."

    Bumper Stickers II

    All men are idiots, and I married their King.
    So many stupid people... so few comets.
    Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
    Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
    I Brake for no apparent reason.
    Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.
    Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
    Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
    It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
    Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
    Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
    I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
    Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
    Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
    Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
    I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
    Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
    If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
    Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
    Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
    Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
    OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
    Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.
    I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
    Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
    It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
    According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
    Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
    We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
    Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
    Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
    Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
    Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
    Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
    Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
    Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
    There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
    Keep honking...I'm reloading....
  2. TailorMadeHell

    TailorMadeHell Lurking Shadow Creature


    Saw a bumper sticker that said, 'Fat people are harder to kidnap'.

    Saw an upside down bumper sticker on a 4x4 that said, 'If you can read this, flip me over.'
  3. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    Thanks for the giggles!
  4. Brokor

    Brokor Live Free or Cry Moderator Site Supporter+++ Founding Member

    Jokes are too over rated. Bushisms are better. And crazy old men who talk to lamp posts making cubistic theories trumps your girl scout joke. :p
  5. Seacowboys

    Seacowboys Senior Member Founding Member

    Are you trying to tell me that Bush ain't a joke?
  6. Wild Trapper

    Wild Trapper Pirate Biker

    "Work is for people who don't know how to fish"

    Had that one on an old pickup truck. Saw it on a 4x4 right next to one that said, "My wife's other car is a broom" hehehe. Ya should a seem my wife's expression when I read them off to her and said there goes my kind of guy.[LMAO] :censored:[beat] Just don't know when to keep my mouth shut!
  7. TailorMadeHell

    TailorMadeHell Lurking Shadow Creature

    Trapper you gotta watch out for that. Remember, if you are going to give a talk, think it through in your head first. That way you don't wind up getting wacked. Haha.
  8. Tango3

    Tango3 Aimless wanderer

    even funnier than the funniest website...

    [BSf]Coming to coast to coast am this week:never seen so many large words strung together in to meaningless ( but technical looking text).:http://www.historianofthefuture.com/events.html

    Evolution Into the Next Millennium:
    A World in Transition

    <layer name="D5m" width="264" border="10"></layer>Original version presented at the 1997 Paradox Seminar - Arcosanti, Arizona

    <layer name="D6m" width="485" border="10"></layer>The Process Dynamics of the Convergence Syndrome -
    Primary Catalyst of the Emergent Evolutionary Event Horizon

    There is a state of change at hand, the rate and complexity of which is an acceleration vector never before experienced in human
    history. The relationships between rapidly evolving technologies, ever exapnding volumes and complexities of of information resources, and socio-economic system substrates are going to reshape almost every aspect of life as it is currently understood to be. To study the nuances and implications of this synergistic codependancy is to become an adaptable entity, capable of evolving and utilizing the tools embedded in this interactive, bi-directional experiential knowledge conveyance system

    For better or for worse, we will collectively know, well within our current lifetimes, and indeed, quite likely within a short handful of years, what these various test increments will consist of, how they will be negotiated, and what the outcome shall be.

    As a macro-scale composite of synergistically co-dependant dynamics and interrelated process increments, these
    vectors emerge as primary indicator points of the transition threshold upon which we are now poised to transgress, and be tested by, as iterations of an evolutionary event stream we are designed to negotiate, and if successfully negotiated, we collectively emerge as a more robust organism.

    Incremental marker points of human development have been recorded throughout the span of recorded history, as reference coordinates by which the scale, complexity, and velocity of such evolutionary development can be measured. Compression is now occurring, however, in both temporal and functional domains.
    The incremental partitioning of major transitional thresholds which may have at one point been measured in terms of millennia, then centuries, and more recently, in decades, is now compressing down time spans of a few years, and perhaps in the near term, increments of months and weeks.

    Proportional with an acceleration of temporal compression is an acceleration of functional complexity, or what I refer to here as the "convergence syndrome". As a process, events, technologies, belief systems, cultural and societal paradigms, even the very definitions of life itself, are becoming ever more interconnected and interdependent on a global scale. In this newly emerging domain, nothing is isolated or autonomous. As vector coordinates on an
    enormous existence manifold, in which all forms of life "here" (as it is currently interpreted to be), and in parallel domains, any perturbations within this manifold cause a wavefront to be propagated throughout this manifold, eventually affecting all of the other nodes embedded within.

    All affectations of activity and process dynamics have an effect, and a counter effect, just as can be witnessed in the most fundamental rules of physics in the observable universe, but is now being translated upon the populations of the planet, and indeed, the planet itself. The interstitial graticule spacing of this existence manifold, or what might be referred to here as mesh granularity, is compressing as well, in direct proportion with the temporal compression, and functional complexity factors. Indeed, this
    proportional increase in mesh granularity of the existence manifold can be visualized as an topological index of trend status, and plotted as such, as an artifact of this process.

    The acceleration vectors indicated by this composite of interacting dynamic factors in this existence manifold may be in a state of flux as to the precise rate of increase inherent in these indicators, but the trend topologies to be recognized in this manifold, and their associated rates of acceleration, do tend to suggest a culmination into a verticle vector, a singularity "convergence point" threshold boundary, at which point the critical mass of existence as it is currently understood to be will be extruded through a series
    of evolutionary "test" increments, each one of which representing an
    increase of amplitude in functional complexity, and a compression in temporal partitioning, greater than the increment preceding it.

    The outcome of this rapid succession of test increments, threshold boundaries to be encountered and negotiated, will determine whether we continue to the next great increment of evolutionary process, as an experiment on this particular world at this
    particular moment in time, or simply go into failure mode, perhaps to re-evolve to some new lifeform entity countless millenia from now. In terms of galactic, and indeed universal scale, this is not unusal at all, or even particularly significant.

    We are but a speck of life, very much like a bit of plankton adrift in the sea of the universe. Other worlds and their respective lifeforms and ecosystems have evolved to levels of incremental development far beyond what can be currently witnessed here, and many others have no doubt lapsed into complete failure mode in far more relatively primitive stages of development.

    What is significant, however, is that from the perspective of being here on this world, at this moment, is that never before in the known history of this world and its current inhabitants have the threshold of transition by which the very future of this current world are about to be determined and measured within the reach of its current inhabitants.

    <layer name="D4m" width="268" border="10"></layer> As virtual reality and nanotechnology come together, expect a reality clash of unprecedented proportions

    <layer name="D7m" width="258" border="10"></layer>Knowledge velocity, scale, and complexity are exceeding human capacity for effective decision rendering, particularly in mission critical applications compressed into ever shorter time cycle increments.

    <layer name="D8m" width="213" border="10"></layer>as presented at the SCI 98 / ISAS 98 Conferences - World Multiconference on Systemics, Cyberbetics, and Informatics & 4th International Conference on Information Systems Analysis and Synthesis - Orlando, Florida

    <layer name="D10m" width="257" border="10"></layer>Previous CONTACT event presentations:

    “The In-Silico Biology Paradigm: Gateway to Virtual Exobiology”

    "Process Modalities of Applied Computational Resources which Mimic the Physiologies of Living Systems", as a mechanism for communication to real and synthetic entities

    “Development of Linguistic Systems and Communications Protocols with Societies of Artificial Lifeforms and Synthetic Sentients” , as a precursory requirement for Interaction with alien species

    <layer name="D9m" width="271" border="10"></layer>Beyond the New Event Horizon
    Cultural change is surpassing expectations we made only a few years ago. The useful lifetime of knowledge itself is being compressed into smaller windows. We are rapidly entering an age where decision rendering, a mission critical process, will simply exceed human capacity. At the threshold of that event horizon, the ability to have access to the virtual terraform, populated by an ever increasing ecology of intelligent agents and sentient entities, will no longer be an interesting luxury. It will become an absolute requirement

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