To good to pass up

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the
glue on envelopes cause I now have to get a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

I want to thank you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your
chain letters over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe,
secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for
life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now h ave
their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital (for the
1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now
return the favor!

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can
live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything..

And thanks for always correcting me with "gotchas" from "Snopes" who
knows it all. Thanks to you, I am totally in the know.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't share this with 70 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....IF YOU CAN !
__________________________

 

Now, if only the silly buggers could grasp that I'm on dialup, and half an hour is TOO FRIGGIN' long for me to wait out the downloads of tons of pretty pictures of the Grand Canyon and 25 pix of their last irelevant adventure in New Zealand.

 

I almost forgot what dial up was like now

 

[rofllmao]

 

S, Cable is coming down my road in the next few months. I think I can convince them to add a couple spans of it to connect me. I may be able to send you my Direcway Dish and Modem when you get back. Not Cable but much better than dial up. I'm able to run this site off of it.

 

Cool gesture

 

$59 a month if you own the equipment, which you would.
That was a few yrs ago, not sure if the price has gone down... I'll check. I pay $89 for a business plan.

If and When cable comes to my house: I will give this stuff away. The higher per month cost they give you is on leased Dish and modem. I think it was only $400 to buy it outright. then a lower monthly.

 

When I got Direcway, I had a seperate phone line for internet ($30 a month) and my ISP charged me $20 a month. After the equipment, it was only $9 more a month for the residential service I first signed up with. and 200X faster.

 

Sprint SUCKS. I get decent rates, but after all the taxes and "fees"...I end up paying TWICE the amount they advertise per month.

I have a cell phone with Sprint also, my home phone line, and the DSL...together they run me about $150.00 per month.