Todays Collection of useless email jokes

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
>
>
>
> They get very drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be
> executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did
> the
> night before.
>
> The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked
>
> if she has any last words.
>
> She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the
> Almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They
> throw the switch and nothing happens.
>
> They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for
> forgiveness,
> and release her.
>
>
> The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words...
>
> "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the
> power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw
> the switch and again, nothing happens.
>
> Again they all immediately fall to their knees , beg for forgiveness and
>
> release her.
>
> The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well,
> I'm
> from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in
> Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna
> electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."


A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs
to file her taxes.



The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
questions.



'He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.
and then asks, 'What's your occupation?'



I'm a Lady of the night,' she says.



The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ’let’s try to rephrase
that.'



The woman says, ’OK, I'm a high-end call girl'.



'No, that still won't work. Try again.'



They both think for a minute; then the woman says, ’I’m an elite
chicken farmer.'



The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with
being a prostitute?'



'Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.'



Chicken Farmer it is.'

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"

An elderly Italian man living on the outskirts of Naples went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors every day and twice on weekends."
The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

The Wisdom of Larry The Cable Guy . .

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. < B>

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Lazin ess pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.