True Medical stories....

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by toemag, Jan 13, 2009.

  1. toemag

    toemag Monkey++

    True Medical stories....

    1. A man dashed into the A&E Dept. and yelled . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'. I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, after protests from the lady, I noticed that there were several taxis - - -.
    Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow

    2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

    'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. .replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas' Hosp., Bath.

    3.One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
    Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Royal London Hosp.

    4.During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.

    "The patch! The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

    Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
    Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk General.

    5.While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
    After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .'Oh, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
    Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal, Kent.

    6.I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how was your breakfast this morning?'

    'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied.

    I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'
    Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.

    7.A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered and reported abdominal pain.
    It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass.'

    Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read.....

    'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
  2. kckndrgn

    kckndrgn Monkey+++ Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    "had to mow the lawn" [lolol][lolol]
  3. Dawg23

    Dawg23 do or do not, there is no try

    "had to mow the lawn" PRICELESS!!!! [fnny][fnny][fnny][fnny][fnny][fnny][fnny][fnny]

  4. Dawg23

    Dawg23 do or do not, there is no try

    We had picked up a lady in the ambulance, and took her to the hospital for a "severe purple discharge from the vaginal area" We got her into the hospital and told them what we had. The Doctor came right over to us and the medic, and asked the lady what the problem was. her reply was priceless "Well Doc, my doctor gave me a prescription for some contraption(Im assuming she meant Contraceptive) jelly, and I ran out, so i thought I could use Welch's Grape..."
  5. Conagher

    Conagher Dark Custom Rider Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

  6. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    .-., ., ..-., ..-, ..., .
    -, ---
    .-, ..., -.-
    ...., ..., .--
    .., -
    -, .-, ---, -, ., -..

    (Had to do it this way to avoid banning --)
  7. Dawg23

    Dawg23 do or do not, there is no try

    is that morse code??? LOL
  8. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    heh heh heh, g.

    (I think you have a typo... 10 back)
  9. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    More than possible. Took 10 minutes to do it, bouncing back and forth from the code sheet. Prolly take at least that long to find it and fix it. Ah, well, as skill decayed is a skill lost, and I never was overly proficient (with the code, that is.) Definitely need practice.

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