Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Seacowboys, Apr 5, 2016.

  1. Seacowboys

    Seacowboys Senior Member Founding Member


    -If you had a dollar for every girl that finds you unattractive, they'd eventually find you attractive.

    -I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

    -Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

    -I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

    -Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

    -I'm great at multitasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

    -If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.*:) happy

    -Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

    -Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

    -Take my advice — I'm not using it.

    -My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

    -I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

    -Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

    -Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

    -I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

    -Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

    -I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

    -Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

    -If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

    -A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

    -Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

    -When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

    -My wife got 8 out of 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

    -There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

    -Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

    -Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

    -He who laughs last thinks slowest.

    -Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

    -Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

    -I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

    -Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    -The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

    -I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.

    -I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

    -If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    -Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

    -If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

    -Money is the root of all wealth.

    -No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
  2. Motomom34

    Motomom34 Monkey+++

    Exactly. Same with people who ask, "how are you".? But they really do not care or want you to answer how you really are.
  3. UncleMorgan

    UncleMorgan I like peeling bananas and (occasionally) people.

    That list is a whole course in Philosophy all by itself.
    Ganado and Motomom34 like this.
  4. BTPost

    BTPost Stumpy Old Fart Snow Monkey Moderator

    My "Pat Answer" to that is.... " I am still alive..."
    Motomom34 likes this.
  5. TailorMadeHell

    TailorMadeHell Lurking Shadow Creature

    A closed mouth gathers no foot.
    chelloveck likes this.
  6. kellory

    kellory An unemployed Jester, is nobody's fool. Banned

    [​IMG] speed is directly proportional to what's chasing you.
  7. OldDude49

    OldDude49 Just n old guy

    I use this.... "Well it all started when I was a small child....... "

    usually gets em everytime........ :D
    Motomom34 likes this.
  8. chelloveck

    chelloveck Diabolus Causidicus

    My pat answer is...."well, my doctor assures me that it isn't contagious but"........
    Ganado likes this.
  9. hot diggity

    hot diggity Monkey+++ Site Supporter+++

    The list reminds me of the guy who was loading smokeless powder in his muzzle loader. "Just a level tablespoon, it's perfectly safe."

    As I packed up my stuff to leave I told him, "Perfectly safe? ... so far."
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