Truism's -If you had a dollar for every girl that finds you unattractive, they'd eventually find you attractive. -I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you. -Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water. -I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect." -Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. -I'm great at multitasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. -If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.* happy -Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them. -Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected? -Take my advice — I'm not using it. -My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met. -I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious. -Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were. -Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. -I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust. -Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool. -I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie. -Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. -If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants. -A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. -Ever stop to think and forget to start again? -When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always. -My wife got 8 out of 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way. -There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking. -Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking. -Give me ambiguity or give me something else. -He who laughs last thinks slowest. -Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly? -Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type. -I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one. -Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. -The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it. -I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me. -I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it. -If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. -Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. -If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie? -Money is the root of all wealth. -No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.