We haven't had any Pun in a while...

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by Tracy, Mar 4, 2007.


  1. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
    The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

    A dyslexic man walks into a bra...


    A jumper cable walks into a bar.
    The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

    Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

    A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
    "A beer please, and one for the road."

    Two cannibals are eating a clown.
    One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"!

    "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."
    "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"
    Well, "It's Not Unusual."

    Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
    "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
    "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

    An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
    The kids were nothing to look at either.

    Deja Moo:
    The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
     
  2. gillman7

    gillman7 Monkey+++

    Oh boy, Oh boy, oh boy!!!!

    Can I break out some more of my puns?????

    I will look for them tonight!!


    [touchdown] [touchdown] [touchdown] [touchdown]
     
  3. Blackjack

    Blackjack Monkey+++

    Here we go again.
     
  4. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    Gosh, Blackjack... You're no pun at all.
    ~giggle~ :)


    What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    A fsh


    Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too

    I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.[dunno]
     
  5. kckndrgn

    kckndrgn Moderator Moderator Founding Member

    [touchdown][touchdown][fnny]

    I'll have to look for my little file of puns, may not be any better, but they can't be any worse [LMAO]
     
  6. gillman7

    gillman7 Monkey+++

    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack," the frog says, "I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."
    Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

    She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."


    She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

    The bank manager looks back at her and says...

    "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
     
  7. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    [fnny]

    Correspondence citing farm machinery defects would be a Deere John letter.

    The diners were fully sated, unaware that the wurst was yet to come.

    Some prison inmates fell into poison ivy and started a rash of breakouts.

    I wanted to exercise last night but it just didn't work out.

    She became an art dealer because she wanted more Monet.

    The parsley farmer couldn't pay his child support, so the court garnished his wages.

    Why not take a break in the south of France? You've nothing Toulouse.
     
  8. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
    The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
    The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy,

    But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
    'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
    'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the
    baby?'

    The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,

    'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we
    will name him...


    Are you ready for this???




    Are you sure you are ready??



    Well.... here it comes...




    Sum Ting Wong !!!


    <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com[​IMG]
     
  9. AlterEgo

    AlterEgo Monkey+++

    A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

    His horse has already died of thirst.

    He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

    He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

    He opens it and out pops a genie......but this is no ordinary genie.

    She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.

    There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

    "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

    "I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."

    She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

    The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

    He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

    ***POOF***

    The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

    The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

    "My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

    ***POOF***

    The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

    The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

    After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

    ***POOF***

    He turned into a tampon

    The moral of the story:
    If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
     
  10. Rancher

    Rancher Specialist

    <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td class="dMessageBodyLeftPlaceHolder">

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    Idle Thoughts

    I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
    ~~~
    I had amnesia once -- or twice.
    ~~~
    I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
    ~~~
    Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
    ~~~
    All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
    ~~~
    If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
    ~~~
    What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
    ~~~
    Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them.
    ~~~
    Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
    ~~~
    Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
    ~~~
    One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
    ~~~
    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
    ~~~
    The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
    ~~~
    How can there be self-help "groups"?
    ~~~
    If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
    ~~~
    Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
    ~~~
    Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?
    </td></tr></tbody></table></td></tr></tbody></table>
     
  11. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Those are great, Rancher!!! [beer] [fnny]

    [applaud]
     
  12. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    Thanks. I needed that. :D
     
  13. gillman7

    gillman7 Monkey+++

    So did you hear the one about the Dyslexic, Agnostic, Insomniac?

    He sat up all night wondering if there really was a DOG?!?!?

    [dunno][dunno]
     
  14. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member



    I love those old corny, punny things! [LMAO]

    Thanks gillman! [beer]
     
  15. AlterEgo

    AlterEgo Monkey+++

    Only in America

    ...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

    ...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

    ....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    ...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

    ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

    ...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

    ...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

    ...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

    ...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

    ...do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

    -------------------------

    Have you ever wondered...

    ...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

    ...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

    ...why you never see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

    ...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

    ...why doctors call what they do "practice"?

    ...why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?

    ...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

    ...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

    ...why the time of day with the slowest traffic is called rush hour?

    ...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

    ...who tested the new, better tasting dog food?

    ...why didn't Noah just swat those two mosquitoes?

    ...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

    ...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

    ...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

    --------------------------------------------------------------

    While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

    "You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.

    The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you !"

    The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.

    The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His manhood was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

    God is good
     
  16. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger and then it hit me.:love:

    I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me:D

    Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? foosed
    He's all right now.:lol:

    Did you hear about the guy who drove his expensive car into a tree? foosed
    He found out how Mercedes bends.[gone]

    What about the guy who ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey.[LMAO]

    Did you see the sign at the drug rehab center? It said "Keep off the Grass"[stoner]

    Did you hear that just this afternoon, the Police were called to a daycare center where a three year old was resisting a rest:cry:

    Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.:cry:
     
  17. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    The policeman pulls over a car onto the side of the road and walks over to the driver.

    "Do you realize you've got two snakes attached to the front of your car?" he asks.

    "It's all right," replies the driver, "they're just my windscreen vipers."

    [gone]
     
  18. bubbajoe

    bubbajoe Monkey+++

    My friend Max hates going up steep hills
    He's always been a bit of and anti climb Max

    cop pulls me over and says "do you know you have 2 snakes on your windshield?"

    it's alright officer...they're my windshiled vipers
     
  19. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    Put some beef between two pieces of bread and you have a bull-only sandwich.
     
  20. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member


    [ROFL]

    And the corny puns STILL get me...every time...
     
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