What I've Learned While Driving Through The South..

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by UGRev, Jul 15, 2012.

  1. UGRev

    UGRev Get on with it!

    So I recently spent some time driving to NC and then through to FL. I would like to share some experiences and observations with you all.. so without further ado..

    What I've learned about driving in the south,

    -Blinkers are optional:
    I'm not sure why they sell them on your vehicles. It seems like an awful waste since you people don't use them. You must have some advanced form of telepathy or keen eyesight in combination with hand signals. I'm not sure which. I may not be keen enough to see your hand signals so I can only surmise that you have some form of advanced communication on the order of Borg.

    -There are three speeds
    This 35. means go 35 MPH please.. it's a sleepy town, slow down.
    This 45. means 45 MPH is optional. We know when the cops are around (see blinkers) so do 45, otherwise punch it!!

    These 55. 65. 7045. mean 80MPH

    -Proper Car Spacing During Highway Driving is an Invite to Join My Lane
    Normally, I like to keep 1-2 car spaces ahead of me during the 35 and optional 45 MPH areas and 2-3 in the 186,000 M/s areas. This is for safety reasons. However, I think you southerners are mistaking this as some sort of invitation (southern hospitality??) to cut in front of me because you have nothing better to do than to shift lanes and go the same damn speed as you were in the lane from which you transferred from. Perhaps the secret hand signals or telepathic communications are not working properly or I just don't freaking comprehend this behavior. So I tried some form of communication
    to see if I could communicate with you each time this happened to inform you that this was not acceptable behavior. Alas, this was not the proper hand signal as I found that the more I used it, the more it occurred. So I tried another
    .. which seemed to provoke strange looks so I thought I was on to something. Repeated attempts resulted in the same or similar responses. Therefore, I concluded that my bat shit crazy face made people cautious of me an to maintain their distance... problem solved.

    The 3 Lane Highway Has 2 Lanes
    I thought this was neat. You guys have completely mastered breaking all the laws of highway travel known to man while at the same time, coming up with something that mimics the inverse of nature. Which proves another thing, but I won't go there...
    The farthest most left lane: Used for passing at a brazillion miles per hour. Often streaks of blue and gravity quakes were left in these lanes.
    The middle lane: Used for .. GASP!!.. when you want to do the speed limit wts.
    The right lane: See the left lane description with the added bonus of proper car spacing.

    Two Lane Highways have one speed:
    Two lane highways appear to have only one speed or you guys just like to see how long you can screw with the people behind you before they pull out a gun and shoot you for staying right next to each other for 50 miles before you realize that you can go 186,000 M/s in the left lane. Or, perhaps you are on some sort of extended conversation where you use the Borg collective intelligence communication technique "thingy" to discuss last nights Bill Engval show on comedy central. Har har..the jokes on us.

    Rain is something you've never seen while driving:
    UNBEFUCKINGLEAVABLE... I can see a zillion cars, sorry, MONSTER TRUCKS.. going faster than my farts through my pants and as soon as it rains it's like you've never seen water fall from the sky before. You instantly go from ludicrous speed to "Deer in head lights" mode. The only people not affected are out of staters.. erm.. NORTHERNERS who plow through it like it's just water.. or something..

    I like sweet tea:
    Yes. yes I do..

    If a truck has less than 6 tires or the tires don't have their own gravity field, it's not a truck.. Does this need an explanation?

    There are no stores that sell shirts or nair..
    Ok, I get that it's hot and all.. but there is this thing called A/C; and your wookie like, freakishly thick body carpets are not appealing or anywhere near human levels of body hair. Seek genetic help and count chromosomes. I was seriously starting to wonder if I had been ported to Kazhyyk, the home planet of Chewbacca, during one of the gravity wakes given off by a passing monster truck.

    BUT!!! you guys are the nicest people I've met... :)
    hank2222 and Yard Dart like this.
  2. tacmotusn

    tacmotusn RIP 1/13/21

    I am not saying that I drive fast or agressively here in Florida, but I have been trying to figure how to mount small controlable canard winglettes on my corolla s as I figure if I could just engages the canards and get a little lift, I could glide over some of these road hogs in the fast lane doing just the speed limit or a little less. I haven't broken the sound barrier yet, but I am still trying. ..... lol
    Cephus likes this.
  3. oldawg

    oldawg Monkey+++

    Another I-75 UFO operator I see.LOL
  4. CATO

    CATO Monkey+++

    Evidently you didn't drive through Atlanta. The most rude drivers on the planet...and after you're here a while, you HAVE to become one yourself or you'll get in an accident. For example, you have to ride people's bumpers or that 15ft space will be taken up by a car that's 14'11" because they didn't want to wait in line.
  5. UGRev

    UGRev Get on with it!

    I went I-95 all the way down. It seemed the "Proper Car Spacing" issue was present universally. :D
  6. ditch witch

    ditch witch I do stupid crap, so you don't have to

    Last time I drove around NYC and it's many boroughs my passenger, a lifelong New Yorker, was in hysterics convinced I was going to get us both killed. Not because of my driving mind you. He was freaking out because I was flipping off every other car as we went along. It was like driving in Rome. Everyone up your tailpipe, signals are only used when one wishes to leave the same one on for eight blocks, only to eventually turn the opposite direction, and the honking. OMG the effin honking! One of the reasons I moved out of Dallas is because I'm the road rage queen, and here were all these a-holes laying on the horn even while sitting at a stop light. I was fantasizing about dragging someone out of their car and beating them to death with their own arm, all the while giggling maniacally. Meanwhile my friend kept screetching "STOP FLIPPING PEOPLE OFF SOMEONE WILL SHOOT US!!!"

    I swear, if I didn't look so awful in penal fashion, I'd have ridded this country of a lot of heinous drivers by now.
    Cephus, Sapper John and bgner like this.
  7. Sapper John

    Sapper John Analog Monkey in a Digital World

    Turn signals? We don't need no stinkin' turn signals...
  8. TwoCrows

    TwoCrows Monkey++

    It is not only the South that does not use turn signals.

    I have told people that I think the car companies should stop putting turn signals on cars, with one hand on the wheel and the other holding a cell phone up to their ear no one has a hand left to use them so they are a needless expense.

    That is also why 9 out of 10 cars are sold with automatic transmissions.
  9. UGRev

    UGRev Get on with it!

    I like you.. :)
  10. Motomom34

    Motomom34 Monkey+++

    I learned when driving through the South is most armadillos don't seem to make it across the highway. I found it odd but I don't think people down there swerve to avoid wildlife. Those little warriors were turned feet up all along the highway.
    ditch witch likes this.
  11. BTPost

    BTPost Stumpy Old Fart,Deadman Walking, Snow Monkey Moderator

    I always figured Utah Drivers were the WORST StuckUp Idiots in the world.... but now I have a whole new perspective.....
  12. DarkLight

    DarkLight Live Long and Prosper - On Hiatus

    In the south, NC at the very least, if the turn signal is on you can rest assured that it left the dealership that way. Aggressive doesn't even begin to describe...ok, I have to not go there in order to keep my blood-pressure down for tomorrows commute.

    People will speed up just so you can't move over though, no other reason, they just don't want you in front of THEM. It's insane.
  13. Witch Doctor 01

    Witch Doctor 01 Mojo Maker

    Damnit... if yall don't like the way we drive staty home... i mean we only have one problem.... them damn yankees driving crazy on I-95 heading from New Yak to Florida.... If you are from the South It's no problem...we know how to stay off the "inner state"
    Cephus, Sapper John and Gator 45/70 like this.
  14. Gator 45/70

    Gator 45/70 Monkey+++

    Rev...You really need to come to The Great Banana Republic of Louisiana for a proper driving lesson...

    Try hitting a 8 ft. Gator at 4 in the morning...Doing 70...

    You'll get airborn...!!!
    Cephus and ditch witch like this.
  15. Cruisin Sloth

    Cruisin Sloth Special & Slow

    There is NO "barrier" , It's called Speed of sound or subsonic / supersonic (Trans-sonic is the crappy in between spot)
    I have driven every state / province in 2008 on mainland North America.8 month working tour.
    The turn signals commit is correct , the tailgating / driving to fast for the conditions / just dumb !!
    YOU can't fix stupid .
  16. UGRev

    UGRev Get on with it!

    Do you guys have a term for that? lol.. Gator-ramping? :D
    Gator 45/70 likes this.
  17. tacmotusn

    tacmotusn RIP 1/13/21

    I actually use the cruise control most of the time except in rain or really heavy traffic. It is set 5 to 9 mph over the speed limit. I am usually in the center or fast lane on the innerstate. I use my signal most of the time, and I move over for overtaking traffic from the rear, unless it is going to jam me up. My pet peeve is rolling road blocks at a lesser speed than I am going that requires me to come out of cruise control. I will accelerate more often instead of going to the brake. I just want to get from point a to point b reasonably quickly without holding up other traffic or being held up myself, or getting a ticket. Thats how I roll.
    Cephus likes this.
  18. Gator 45/70

    Gator 45/70 Monkey+++

    Not sure it's called that..I'll find out...lol

  19. Smitty

    Smitty Monkey+

    Maybe its all your transplant friends screwing it up. Go back north and take a brother with ya...just sayin
    Gator 45/70 likes this.
  20. Gator 45/70

    Gator 45/70 Monkey+++

    Opp's..You may be on to something...No one ever retire's in the south...and move's nawth...ccc
    oldawg and Sapper John like this.
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