1. The Topic of the Month for October is "Make this the Perfect Bugout Location". Please join the discussion in the TOTM forum.

What Men are Really Saying...

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by CRC, Mar 6, 2007.

  1. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    From a friend...

    "I'm going fishing." Really means "I'm going to drink myself
    dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my
    hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

    "Let's take your car." Really means "Mine is full of beer cans
    and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas."

    "Woman driver." Really means "Someone who doesn't speed,
    tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving
    record than me."

    "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means
    "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender,
    gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides

    "It's a guy thing." Really means "There is no rational thought
    pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of
    making it logical."

    "Can I help with dinner?" Really means "Why isn't it already on
    the table?"

    "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean Absolutely
    nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog

    "Good idea." Really means "It'll never work. And I'll spend the
    rest of the day gloating."

    "Have you lost weight?" Really means "I've just spent our last
    $30 on a cordless drill."

    "My wife doesn't understand me." Really means "She's heard all
    my stories before and is tired of them."

    "It would take too long to explain." Really means "I have no
    idea how it works."

    "I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means "The batteries
    in the remote are dead."

    "I got a lot done." Really means "I found 'Waldo' in almost
    every picture."

    "We're going to be late." Really means "Now I have a legitimate
    excuse to drive like a maniac."

    "Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means "I've been
    subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

    "You cook just like my mother used to." Really means "She used
    the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

    "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my
    mind." Really means "I was wondering if that redhead over there
    is wearing a bra."

    "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means "I
    can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

    "That's interesting, dear." Really means "Are you still

    "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
    Really means "I forgot our anniversary again."

    "You expect too much of me." Really means "You want me to stay

    "It's a really good movie." Really means "It's got guns,
    knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

    "That's women's work." Really means "It's difficult, dirty, and

    "Will you marry me?" Really means "Both my roommates have moved
    out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut

    "Go ask your mother." Really means "I am incapable of making a

    "You know how bad my memory is." Really means "I remember the
    theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever
    kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've
    ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

    "I was just thinking about you and got you these roses." Really
    means "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

    "Football is a man's game." Really means "Women are generally
    too smart to play it."

    "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really
    means "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
    before I admit I'm hurt."

    "I do help around the house." Really means "I once put a dirty
    towel in the laundry basket."

    "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means
    "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

    "I can't find it." Really means "It didn't fall into my
    outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

    "What did I do this time?" Really means "What did you catch me

    "What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means "You
    just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

    "She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means "She refused
    to make my coffee."

    "But I hate to go shopping." Really means "Because I always
    wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

    "No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means "You may
    actually get it to start."

    "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really
    means "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative
    stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing,
    pre-evolutionary companions."

    "I heard you." Really means "I haven't the foggiest clue what
    you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it
    well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at

    "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means "I am
    used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

    "You look terrific." Really means "Oh, God, please don't try on
    one more outfit. I'm starving."

    "I brought you a present." Really means "It was Free Ice
    Scraper Night at the ball game."

    "I missed you." Really means "I can't find my sock drawer, the
    kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

    "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means "No
    one will ever see us alive again."

    "We share the housework." Really means "I make the messes, she
    cleans them up."

    "This relationship is getting too serious." Really means "I
    like you more than my truck."

    "I recycle." Really means "We could pay the rent with the money
    from my empties."

    "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means
    "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

    "It sure snowed last night." Really means "I suppose you're
    going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

    "It's good beer." Really means "It was on sale."

    "I don't need to read the instructions." Really means "I am
    perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

    "I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means "If I wait
    long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

    "I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means "Someplace
    that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

    "I broke up with her." Really means "She dumped me."
  2. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    [LMAO] Too doggone funny! [winkthumb]
survivalmonkey SSL seal        survivalmonkey.com warrant canary