What would you do if you were elected president.

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by vonslob, Nov 4, 2014.

  1. vonslob

    vonslob Monkey++

    I tease my friends often about what i would do if i was president. However i would probably get impeached rather quickly. I would hunt buffalo in Yellowstone national park. I would use the secret service to help me pickup on babes, telling them it would be in service of their country. I would task the NSA to spy only on politicians and invite the national enquirer to publish what they learn. I would throw a bash at the white house that would blow away anything Andrew Jackson did. I would literally make fun of hairy reed ( not a typo) to his face and try to get him so mad he would take a swing at me. I would steal the queen of England's Britannia and use it as a fishing boat. It would be the two most wonderful weeks of my life. What would you do?
    Motomom34, JABECmfg and Yard Dart like this.
  2. Seacowboys

    Seacowboys Senior Member Founding Member

    I'd definitely find an assistant better looking than Monica Lewinsky, something along the lines of a young Lauren Bacall or maybe the lady in Cold Mountain.
    vonslob and Yard Dart like this.
  3. vonslob

    vonslob Monkey++

    That is for sure.
  4. kellory

    kellory An unemployed Jester, is nobody's fool. Banned

    My first action as president would be....to issue my first and last executive order, to repeal the War Powers Act, and to declare all actions arrising from it's use/abuse to be voted on in common elections. ,if it cannot pass a simple vote, that action becomes null and void.
    Lastly, that the WPA could never be reactivated, as it is an unconstitutional abuse of power.
    After that, I think I would crush my phone and my pen. (The secret service will know how to find me at the shooting range, without them.)
  5. Yard Dart

    Yard Dart Vigilant Monkey Moderator

    I would cut every governmental agencies budget by 75%, other than defense. I would abolish the IRS and institute a flat tax with no loop holes for any groups, corporations or individuals. I would outlaw lobbyist from entering D.C. or talking to any elected official while in office. I would end all foreign assistance to declared enemy's of ours. I would strongly tighten the national safety net and only help those in true need.... the leaches would be cut off the .gov dole and forced to get back in the job market. I would ban earmark's to any legislative bill.........

    In general.... I would get out my hatchet and chop the government tree down, to the constitutional ground that the founding fathers envisioned.

    Now I know only a king would be able to make those changes, as a president can only do so much with out a working congress on board with him.... so yes, I am delusional and none of this will ever happen.

    In that case..... I am with @Seacowboys ..... line up the hot assistants in the green room.... NEXT!! :D
  6. VHestin

    VHestin Farm Chick

    The first things I would want to accomplish would be as follows:

    Make chocolate a food group

    Repeal Common Core

    Abolish political parties so the issues are the deciding factors, not party lines.

    Give Red Eye the Presidential Seal of Approval IF they tell me the real reason Bill left.

    Have a plaque of the Constitution be prominently displayed in front of every public building.

    Dismantle the USDA, FDA, CDC, and EPA.

    Make the VA get its act together

    Quit shortchanging the military

    Post a weekly blog slamming the Hollywood zombies, Monsanto, the PC crowd, Dow, Al Gore, PETA and the like

    Secure our borders

    Make Terry Schappert in charge of dealing with the Middle East operations

    Bills in the House/Senate must be read out loud there on the floor before being voted on.

    As mentioned, no more lobbyists.

    I will add more to this list later as I think about it :)
  7. fmhuff

    fmhuff Monkey+++

    I absolutely agree with this. If HOWEVER you really intended to implement these changes you need a whole lot better security than JF Kennedy did or you'll end up the exact same way.
    vonslob and Yard Dart like this.
  8. BTPost

    BTPost Stumpy Old Fart Snow Monkey Moderator

    Make lobbying a Federal CongressCritter, outside their State Boundaries, a Capital Crime.... And the lobbyist can only represent parties, in his State of Residence. Spread the lobbying wealth around....

    This would bring our CongressCritters back home, where they got elected, considerably more often, AND keep the Lobbyists, local where we can keep a "Close Eye" on them, AND their Money.... It also would let the Elected do their JOBS, without so much BS while in session...
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2014
    vonslob likes this.
  9. VisuTrac

    VisuTrac Ваша мать носит военные ботинки Site Supporter+++

    rescind all executive orders
    dismantle unconstitutional agencies
    repeal war powers act
    end war on drugs
    get rid of personal income tax

    and probably be assassinated by the first week.
    vonslob, Mountainman, fmhuff and 4 others like this.
  10. techsar

    techsar Monkey+++

    Get rid of the fed. reserve
    go back onto the gold standard
    ex o's gotta go
    put the supreme court back to the correct size
    revoke GCA of '34 (and its follow-ups)
    get some better body armor ;)
    close the borders
    kick the un out of our boundaries
    try O as the traitor he is...
    try to get industry back in conus rather than overseas
    long list........................
  11. DarkLight

    DarkLight Live Long and Prosper - On Hiatus Site Supporter

    I think it's funny that everyone thinks they'd have a full week in office before being offed. Given the list of things we would like to see done to fix this mess I wouldn't put money down on more than 24 hours unless you sealed yourself in the underground bunker. I would not be at all surprised to find out that there is at least one individual on each and EVERY SS shift that is bought and paid for that would "take care of business" if/when they got the word.

    Cynical? I honestly can't tell the difference between that and the gut wrenching, painfully honest truth any more.

    What would I do? I honestly can't say because as much as I have looked into it I don't know what my LEGAL abilities would be. Half of what we want to do would require issuing Executive Orders...which we almost unanimously agree are unconstitutional.

    I would like to see a number of things repealed and I think those can be undone the same way they were done but a lot of the really big stuff actually went through congress.

    I would like to see:
    The War Powers Act ended/closed/repealed...whatever the right word is for it.
    The IRS disbanded, to a man (or woman). Gone, finished, completely and utterly removed. Institute a flat tax OR a VAT, one or the other, NOT BOTH!
    Ditto the DoE, Federal Reserve, FDA, FHA, FEMA, EPA, USDA, DHS, TSA and BATFE (for a start). Yup, fire every last one of them...most for cause.
    My new AG charge Lon Horiuchi with murder in the first degree (for a start).
    The "authority" of the FCC limited.
    Ditto the DoT, FTA, FTC, and the Forestry Service (for a start).
    Repeal the fabulously misnamed "Affordable Care Act".
    99.39283% of all entitlement programs completely de-funded. This would have to be a phased approach to prevent rioting of the 53% but I'd like to see them gone in 18 months, no more.
    A BALANCED BUDGET, possibly by amendment. No more spending money we don't have. If we can't do it as citizens, we can't do it as a government.
    Repeal of the GCA and all associated laws.
    Outlawing of lobbying outside of the home state.
    Washington D.C. be granted representation (because that crap's just not right!).
    The vast majority of our armed forces brought home.
    Massively increased funding for our veterans (and the families of those who have died in the service of our country). No, unfortunately that does NOT necessarily mean dumping a bunch of money at the VA. The VA may not be salvageable.
    An audit of Fort Knox (and everywhere else there's supposed to be gold).
    EVERY SINGLE recipient of "stimulus" money that hasn't done CRAP with the money invoiced for the entire balance, due on receipt!
    The US get out of the UN and kick them out of our country. 5 minutes notice, better hustle!

    And on the second day...
    Mountainman, Gator 45/70 and vonslob like this.
  12. 3M-TA3

    3M-TA3 Cold Wet Monkey Site Supporter++

    I think I'd start by increasing the national debit by a factor of ten, pass legislation that would destroy a major section of the US economy, destroy every aspect of Foreign Policy by turning our friends into enemies and making sure our enemies don't fear us. I'd finish it off playing golf every day pretending that I was the best President ever elected. What? You mean somebody's already done that? OK, nevermind...
  13. Gray Wolf

    Gray Wolf Monkey+++

    Close the southern border, deport all illegal aliens and their kids.
    Stop all the bilingual nonsense.
    Put all the bankers that defrauded the taxpayers with bailout money into prison.
  14. Dunerunner

    Dunerunner Brewery Monkey Moderator

    To echo most...

    UN - Gone! Let another nation shoulder the financial burden.
    IRS - Gone. Institute a Constitutionally FIXED flat tax for personal and corporate income. No loopholes. Get caught cheating in any way, it is treason and dealt with appropriately.
    Affordable Care Act - Gone!
    Gun Control Act and it's spawn - Gone!
    Alphabet Soup Czars - Gone!
    Senators and Representatives are required to decorate their offices on their dime.
    All laws shall apply to everyone equally. No exceptions.
    Base our currency on precious metals. So what if a dollar is worth Twenty Dollars Silver! Retain our metals reserve and mandate the mint cannot print beyond what is backed up in the reserve.
    Instill within each American an American Spirit by example... I would work for $1 a year.
    Abolish all Executive Orders.
    Abolish the minimum wage.
    Fully fund the Military, increasing salaries so that our soldiers don't have to apply for Food Stamps.
    Eliminate the VA Hospital System and provide each Vet with full access to any doctor or hospital in the nation for any treatment at no cost.
    Fully Fund NASA and mandate that they do what they were initially tasked with doing, extend our exploration to the surrounding planets in our solar system and beyond.
    Eliminate any government agency that does not show a positive dollar to benefit gain for the people.
    Establish a three person panel to replace the FCC.
    Require that the Congress present a Balanced Budget three months prior to the end of the fiscal year. Failure to do so automatically implements the previous years budget and reduces by 25% across the board.
    Re-Institute a Work Fair Program where recipients of Food Stamps and other entitlements which they did not contribute to, are required to work. The amount of work performed would be proportional to the benefits received. Those disabled to the point where they are unable to perform any kind of work would be exempt.

    All these mandates would be delivered from Crystal Peak where I would reside until the end of my term.....
  15. Gopherman

    Gopherman Sometimes I Wish I Could Go Back to Sleep

    I'd shut down the power grid, and internet and let it all work itself out!
    VisuTrac and vonslob like this.
  16. gprod55

    gprod55 Monkey+++

    Require the Judicial system to follow the Ten Commandments and Biblical Law. GOD IS NOT DEAD. Require all concerned to read and adhere to the Constitution as written by our forefathers. Allow us our freedom of choice and not require us to respect special interest groups and their immoral abominations or laws. Send the UN to Switzerland. Secure our boarders. Allow religon back into the military. Take care of and respect the Military and Vets of previous service. They kept this country great. Allow those that do not wish to follow these rules to leave this great country and go elsewhere at their own expense, or given a one way ticket out with the inability of returning. Return this nation to its Christian beliefs. Freedom of choice to practice different religions without forcing others to follow your beliefs. Make all political officials Federal, State, County, City obey the same laws they establish for us. Remove retirement pay for life at 100%, reduced to a percentage voted upon by the people or use the social security system to which they pay into. Cut welfare roles except to those incapable of working and create jobs for those who can work. Those who don't want to work given a one way ticket out of country. Give 1st time felons an opportunity to right themselves. Second offenders an eye for an eye. There will be no third offenders. Cut subsidies to ranchers and farmers that prevent them from allowing them to grow and cultivate their lands. Redesign our tax laws making a straight percentage for all. Take care of our elderly for they are the past, take care of our children and teach them Gods law for trhey are our future.
    oldawg and Sapper John like this.
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