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Who said that?

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by sniper-66, Aug 30, 2006.

  1. sniper-66

    sniper-66 Monkey+++ Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
    -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

    I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
    -- Eleanor Roosevelt

    Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
    -- Mark Twain

    The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
    -- George Burns

    Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
    -- Victor Borge

    Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
    -- Mark Twain

    By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher..

    -- Socrates

    I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
    -- Groucho Marx

    My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

    -- Jimmy Durante

    I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
    -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

    Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
    -- Alex Levine

    My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
    -- Rodney Dangerfield

    Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
    -- Spike Milligan

    I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
    -- Mark Twain

    Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
    -- Joe Namath

    I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon .
    Then it's time for my nap.
    -- Bob Hope

    I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
    -- W.C. Fields

    We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
    -- Will Rogers

    Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will avoid you.
    -- Winston Churchill

    Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
    -- Phyllis Diller

    By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
    -- Billy Crystal
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  2. TailorMadeHell

    TailorMadeHell Lurking Shadow Creature

    Very informative. :D
  3. ghostrider

    ghostrider Resident Poltergeist Founding Member

    Quote of the week.
    The difference between Carter and Reagan, the Reagan family would admit Reagan had OldTimer's, Carter's won't. Dottering old fool said the American Revolution was unnecessary, England would have eventually given us our freedom.
  4. Bear

    Bear Monkey+++ Site Supporter+++ Founding Member Iron Monkey

    When I was a kid I said to my Father one afternoon, "Will you take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you."
    -- Jerry Lewis

    People keep asking me, 'What evil lurks in you to play such bad characters? There is no evil in me, I just wear tight underwear.
    -- Dennis Hopper

    Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
    -- Ronald Reagan
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