Why We Have An Oil Shortage

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by Minuteman, Sep 15, 2006.


  1. Minuteman

    Minuteman Chaplain Moderator Founding Member

    <DIR>A lot of folks can't understand
    how we came to have
    an oil shortage here in our country
    ~~~
    Well, there's a very simple answer.
    ~~~
    Nobody bothered to check the oil.
    ~~~
    We just didn't know we were getting low.
    ~~~
    The reason for that is purely geographical.
    ~~~
    OurOIL is located in
    ~~~
    Alaska
    ~~~
    California
    ~~~
    Oklahoma
    ~~~
    TEXAS
    ~ ~
    UTAH
    and
    Wyoming
    ~~~
    Our

    DIPSTICKS

    are located in

    Washington DC

    </DIR>

     
  2. Minuteman

    Minuteman Chaplain Moderator Founding Member

    More Oil Humor

    <DIR><DIR>Oil Change instructions for Women:


    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
    2) Drink a cup of coffee.
    3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

    Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00


    Oil Change instructions for Men:

    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
    2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
    3) Open a beer and drink it.
    4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Jack car up.
    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    7) Place drain pan under engine.
    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
    10) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.
    11) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
    12) Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
    17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
    18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
    19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
    20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
    21) Walk to liquor store; buy beer.
    22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
    23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    24) Remember drain plug from step 10.
    25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
    27) Drink beer.
    28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
    29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
    30) Drink beer.
    31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
    32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
    33) Begin cussing fit.
    34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
    36) Beer.
    37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
    38) Beer.
    39) Beer.
    40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    41) Beer.
    42) Lower car from jack stands.
    43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
    44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
    45) Beer.
    46) Test drive car.
    47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
    48) Car gets impounded.
    49) Call loving wife, make bail.
    50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Money spent: Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00 Total-- $4165.00

    But, you have the satisfaction of knowing the job was done right...



    </DIR></DIR>
     
  3. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    :lol:'Cept for the DUI, sounds about right. [winkthumb]
     
  4. TailorMadeHell

    TailorMadeHell Lurking Shadow Creature

    Now every dad worth his salt should know the fundamentals. You buy two sets of jack stands. One for your vehicles and one for juniors. It's tradition. :D

    Had a toyota corolla. Wanted to do an oil change myself. Bought oil and found out that I couldn't get to the filter no matter the tricks I tried. Brought the car to a mechanic that I trusted and he didn't know how to do it. Finally had to take it to a toyota mechanic where I was charged for oil since it wasn't their brand that I had bought. Was charged for labor, meaning their looking and deciding what tool they would need. Was charged for labor, meaning them actually using the tool that was needed to remove the filter. Was charged more money for them to do the work. Finally, was charged for several pieces that I never knew existed though I 'Had' to have them. Don't recall the exact amount I paid, though it was way over priced.

    I bet if I would have went out and bought a .45 and just put the car out of my misery, I would have gotten off cheaper. :D
     
  5. Valkman

    Valkman Knifemaker Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    I never did unnerstand why it took half a day to do an oil change when I drank, but now I know! Ever since I quit drinkin' 2 things happened: I quit seeing the cops all the time and I get oil changes in 20 minutes. Amazing. :cool:
     
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