I got these in an email awhile back. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. If I agreed with you then we both would be wrong. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. War does not determine who is right, only who is left. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. An early worm might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. If a bus stops at a bus station, and a train stops at a train station. Why is it I have a work station on my desk? How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Dolphins are so smart that within just a few weeks of captivity they train people to stand beside the pool and throw them fish. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck. When the application says "In case of emergency call:" I always put 911. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. Why do Americans choose from just two people for president but 50 for Miss America? Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of every successful man is usually another woman. A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way as to make you look forward to the trip. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even when you wish they were. Some people cause happiness wherever they go. Some whenever they go. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery a lot easier to live with. You're never too old to learn something stupid. To be sure of hitting your target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination at all. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why is that some people have more than one child? Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lime and a shot of tequila. When you are tempted to fight fire with fire, remember, the fire department usually uses water. I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure. There's a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can't escape. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some pretty good ideas. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. I discovered that I scream exactly the same way whether I am about to be dragged to a watery death by a giant squid or if a piece of seaweed wraps around my foot.