You know you're addicted to coffee if...

Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by Tracy, Nov 9, 2008.

  1. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

    You sleep with your eyes open.
    You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
    The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
    You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
    Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
    You chew on other people's fingernails.
    The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
    You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
    You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
    You can jump-start your car without cables.
    You don't sweat, you percolate.
    You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
    You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
    You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
    People get dizzy just watching you.
    Instant coffee takes too long.
    You channel surf faster without a remote.
    You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
    You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
    You short out motion detectors.
    You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
    Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
    You help your dog chase its tail.
    You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
    Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
    You ski uphill.
    You answer the door before people knock.
    You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

  2. RouteClearance

    RouteClearance Monkey+++


    I'll drink to that; a cup of coffee that is.
  3. Java MS

    Java MS Monkey++

    Route Clearance, you used up all the Java emoticons.
  4. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Wooooooo Hoooooo!

    A joke about me! :)
  5. kckndrgn

    kckndrgn Monkey+++ Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    hmmm, my favorite snack is chocolate covered espresso beans, does that mean I'm addicted to coffee? It wasn't mentioned in the list so I thought I'd ask
  6. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    Re-read the list, my addicted friend, looks like you're busted in the first line. ;)
  7. kckndrgn

    kckndrgn Monkey+++ Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    naw, that say's you grind the coffee in your mouth, I'm just eating with a little chocolate flavoring, guess it's all in how you read it (or read into it)

    BTW, I can't drink any of that flavored coffee crap, I just add some sugar and creamer to my coffee - unless I'm just eating the beans, then coat 'em in chocolate and I'm in heaven.
  8. Seacowboys

    Seacowboys Senior Member Founding Member

    Favorite ice-cream? Coffee
    First morning drink? Coffee
    Preferred all-day beverage? Coffee
    Evening drink? Coffee
    After dinner cocktail? Coffee and Kahlua
    In the candy tray? Espresso beans covered in chocolate
    On Counter? grinder, espresso maker, Bunn Pour-o-matic
    On the shelf? Blue Mountain, Kona, Kopi Luak, Eight O'clock, assorted other beans, and half a dozen tubs of Maxwellhouse and Folgers
    Axillary coffee stations? Office, Study, den, bar
    Coffee is King!
  9. Wild Trapper

    Wild Trapper Pirate Biker

    Just because I sometimes make two pots of coffee a day, doesn't mean I'm addicted. [beat]

    PS, I'm the only coffee drinker in the house.[gone]
  10. CRC

    CRC Survivor of Tidal Waves | RIP 7-24-2015 Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Only 2?


    And I'm the only person in the house..... ;)
  11. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    I get my 50 ounces a day, regardless.
  12. overbore

    overbore Monkey++

    We have missed the point, gents, under new guidelines, this is about survival!!!Tell us please how many pounds of coffee do you have in stash?
    Ours is 25 as the minimum necessary to make it 2 months---:lol: Let's see, 25 divided by two divided by 30 is [coffee2][coffee2][coffee2][coffee2][coffee2][coffee2][coffee2][coffee2][coffee2][coffee2][coffee2] per day/ person.

  13. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    Opsec data, can't tell -- (Future bartering stock, should be good for something to another addict.)
  14. overbore

    overbore Monkey++

    Inflation has done this to Folgers:

    Yesterday I added one red can to my inventory but it looked funny even though the price was unchanged. Here is the "CHange" in Folgers:

    Old New
    34.5oz 27.8oz
    makes 270 cups 240 cups
    can: 6 3/8" high 5 7/8" high

  15. Tango3

    Tango3 Aimless wanderer

    +1 wicked java monkey got his toe nails dug in my back.[gone]No where near enough put up.. figure I'll brew apot, chew the used grounds like skoal the next day, third day coffee grounds in a sweat sock suppository..
  16. Wild Trapper

    Wild Trapper Pirate Biker

    But you don't know how big the pot is! [coffee2]

    To be on the safe side, I used to get Folgers for gifts from family members. They knew it to be one I'd not have to return.[clp]

    I now buy coffee beans I have to grind. Folgers is for visitors. I'm limited to how much I can stock up on as I keep it in the freezer. My wife food preps are in there, and even though coffee is more important to me, she insists that we have to have food. foosed[own2][coffee2]
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