Discussion in 'Humor - Jokes - Games and Diversions' started by hot diggity, Apr 14, 2020.

  1. hot diggity

    hot diggity Monkey+++ Site Supporter+++

    I worked with a fella that knew lots of this style of jokes. I'm sure there's a name for this style.

    He was a masterful Carolina story teller, he'd tell them like he'd just read it in the Daily News and would draw everybody in, and have us waiting breathlessly before delivering the punch line.

    Like the Guy that used to work with us. You remember... Whatshisname. No, not him. The other guy. Anyway... he was sewing a seam in a convertible top for a Camaro and got caught in the sewing machine at the auto upholstery shop...

    He's fully recovered now.

    My favorite was the guy from Base Forestry with two wooden legs. He'd lost both legs in Vietnam, but he could get around in the woods just fine. He was working a controlled burn and got himself turned around in the smoke. Before he knew it he was surrounded by flames...

    Burned his ass to the ground.
    Bandit99, techsar, snake6264 and 10 others like this.
  2. UncleMorgan

    UncleMorgan I eat vegetables. My friends are not vegetables.

    Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots.

    So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

    Walking proudly, he bow-legged into the kitchen with his thumbs in his belt and said to his wife, "Well, do-ya notice anything different about me, Little Missy?"

    Margaret, Age 75, looked at him. "Nope."

    Frustrated, he stormed off into the bathroom, stripped, and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Well, do you notice anything different now?"

    Margaret looked up wearily and said, "Robert, what's to be different? It's hanging down today. It was hanging down yesterday. It'll still be hanging down again tomorrow."

    Furious, Robert yelled, "Well, do you know why it's hanging down, Margaret?"

    "Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

    "It's hanging down, because it's looking at my new boots!!!!"

    Margaret sighed. "You should have bought a hat, Robert! You really should have bought a hat."
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2020
  3. UncleMorgan

    UncleMorgan I eat vegetables. My friends are not vegetables.

    I think that's called deadpan humor.

    That guy, the one that got hurt in the upholstery shop--are they gonna take his stitches out?
    Bandit99, Dunerunner, SB21 and 2 others like this.
  4. Dunerunner

    Dunerunner Brewery Monkey Moderator

    An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color … green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

    After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

    “What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”

    The old captain replied, “Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!”
    mysterymet, Bandit99, SB21 and 4 others like this.
  5. Dunerunner

    Dunerunner Brewery Monkey Moderator

    A woman was nearing the end of her tether – every night her husband was snored so loudly that it kept her awake.

    She decided to call the family doctor to see if there was anything that could be done to relieve her nightly suffering.

    “Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband of his snoring,” said the doctor, “but I must warn you that it is rather expensive. It
    will cost you a deposit of $25,000, and payments of $10,000 for 48 months, as well as money for extras.”

    “Good grief!” exclaimed the woman. “That sounds like I’m buying a yacht!”

    “Hmm,” the doctor murmured, “too obvious, huh?
    SB21, Ura-Ki, techsar and 1 other person like this.
  6. Dunerunner

    Dunerunner Brewery Monkey Moderator

    Dead ahead, through the pitch-black night, a captain sees a light on a collision course with his ship.

    Reaching for the radio, he says: “Change your course.”

    “Change yours,” comes the reply.

    The captain responds, “I’m a United States Navy Captain! Change your course, sir!”

    “I’m a seaman second class,” the next reply comes back. “Change your course, and you don't have to call me sir.”

    The captain is furious. “I’m at the helm of a United States Nuclear Aircraft Carrier! I’m not changing course!”

    The seaman second class replies,...... “I’m in a lighthouse. It's your call.”
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2020
    Bandit99, Lancer, SB21 and 4 others like this.
  7. hot diggity

    hot diggity Monkey+++ Site Supporter+++

    A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at the Snowball last year.

    There was no shortage of hot idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached him for conversation.

    "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

    "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

    "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

    The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

    Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

    "1955, ma'am."

    "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955?”

    She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

    The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
    ghrit, Seawolf1090, OldDude49 and 2 others like this.
  8. SB21

    SB21 Monkey+++

    The wit and wisdom of an old Sgt. Major.
    hot diggity likes this.
survivalmonkey SSL seal        survivalmonkey.com warrant canary