Recently, we have become the target of ZOMBIES. The half-dead bastards sneak onto our property at night and steal from our out-buildings, break into our vehicles, and have attempted to gain access to the house a couple of times but have been dissuaded by the puppies and the alarm. One early evening last week, I went to a club to play some music but Jimi stayed home to read. Her car was next door at her mothers, so it appeared the house was empty. Neighbors noticed an orange Honda discharge two passenger in front of our home. They approached the house from either side but several of the neighbors came bearing torches and pitch-forks and chased the miscreants through the woods.We know with some certainty, that the ZOMBIES are nested in a meth-lad trailer camp just down the road but just don't have any real physical evidence.We have managed to get the zombiles evicted from their camp by the Health Department because they were dumping effluent right into the road-side drainage and burning huge piles of debris. They have relocated about a mile farther down the road but still run routine patrols through our neighborhood each night to see what might be vulnerable. I am taking them a new truck-bed tool box tonight. I will leave it in the driveway for them and will fill it full of bricks but leave it unlocked so they can easily gain access to the treasure inside. Bait! Now for the surprise! Nitro-cellulose lacquer is real easy to make, you just cut up ping-pong balls and dissolve them in 30ml of acetone per ball. Enough ffg black-powder mixed with nitro-cellulose lacquer to create a paste, makes a wonderful prime for electric matches. A short piece of twin-lead 22 ga, wire makes a great electric match. You just cut one wire about half an inch shorter than the other, strip a short end on each wire, bent the bare wires into a hook and take a fiber from a copper scouring pad and wind it from the short wire to the longer one then crimp the ends with pliers. Dip the ends into the priming compound and just about any battery will create instant fire. Switches are next. I love these little plastic clothes-pins! Radio shack sells packs of 9v battery holders for under a dollar and Lowes sells rolls of conductive aluminum tape. A piece of plastic bottle cut into a strip with a section of monifiliment line makes an excellent means of separating the contacts on that switch until someone bumbles into the monofiliment and pulls the plastic from between the jaws, closing the circuit and sending electricity to the electric match.Now you might ask if ZOMBIES are really so terrified of light that a small match will send them running for dark corners like roaches? Not so much... but 90 grains of BP or even better, a 7 to 3 mixture of potassium percolate and powdered aluminum, in a cardboard tube tightly sealed with end-plugs and hot-glue then water-proofed by dipping into nitro-cellulose lacquer, when lit by an electric match, will create a violent rapid release of gas and heat that makes an excellent disperssent for a surrounding plastic bottle of cayenne pepper mixed with blue or orange marking chalk. This is sort of like those dye packs they put in money at banks for the bandits, on steroids.If you happen to see a ZOMBIE smurf rolling around on the ground rubbing their eyes and choking, drive a stake through their heart and set them on fire. I think it is the only way of really clearing a ZOMBIE infestation.