5 weeks

Discussion in 'Blogs' started by melbo, Feb 7, 2008.

  1. melbo

    melbo Hunter Gatherer Administrator Founding Member

    5 Weeks
    Daddies Worst Nightmare

    Received a call Saturday night at 7:00 PM. Our 17 yr old daughter was at work til 10:00. The caller was a shakey voiced girl that I recognized as one of my daughters friends. She sounded scared.

    Being that she asked for Mrs melbo, I handed the phone off. 40 minutes later I was still playing with Emma and trying hard to keep her content. We had found some peace through music.

    When I next saw my wife, I thought she was having a seizure. Never seen her eyes look that way and I soon learned the source of the turmoil. Our daughter was pregnant.

    The girlfriend was calling because she was with J at the clinic that gives the tests; said that an abortion was scheduled for Tuesday. She just couldn't be party to a murder to cover up for a crime.

    What a courageous little girl that friend was.

    We had 3 hours to go through a whole litany of emotions before or daughter came home. I'm thankful for them because my wife and I needed that time to collect ourselves for the discussion that followed.

    I was mad, pissed, vengeful and betrayed all at the same time. We had kept a pretty tight leash on her... Always checking out her overnight stories, trying to check out her boyfriends, never really allowing much slack time for her to roam. She had to have permission to leave the house in her car, etc.

    As I was taking a drive to clear my head, I started to pray. I actually thought I heard the audible voice of God although it was just my heart. It was a whisper and was the last thing I wanted to hear at that moment.

    "Love". Again and again through my enraged mind I heard "LOVE". "Love her."

    I turned around and came home to my wife. I told her that we needed to love our daughter and help and support her. (This was very difficult because the Dad in me wanted to go see this boy.)

    I'm not sure what this will look like in 8 months. I do know that we have still been going through the full spectrum of emotions. We stood up at Church tonight in front of a couple hundred and spoke for 10 minutes. Daughter then went over to the youth group and had to tell them.

    We're looking for a silver lining here somewhere. The prospects of a 17 yr old HS student that is pregnant are not very bright. We, Sharon and I, may look into adopting this baby as our own and letting our daughter have a fresh start a year from now. If we can't do this 'cleanly', we will look to adopt he/she out.

    I am saddened by the betrayal of trust. I'm more saddened that my daughter has made decisions that will be with her the rest of her life. I also feel that the choice not to abort will save her a haunting that would also follow her the rest of her life.

    My family is going through a lot right now even before this. What these kids don't realize is that bad choices can affect so many more around them. Parents, friends, grandparents, cousins, etc. We didn't need this heaped on top of the rest of my mess.

    Those of you with kids. Take another look at what you are doing and how you are teaching them. We thought we were doing everything right. It didn't work. She's been sexually active without our knowledge since age 14.


    What can we do?
    I look at my 13 month old and wonder what to change. How can I protect her?

    I'll be around but sparingly for the next few weeks. If you are of the Praying type, Please pray for us and help us to see The Plan for this.


  2. Blackjack

    Blackjack Monkey+++

    Wow, that's a tough one. Don't be too hard on her over the trust thing though. I have yet to meet anybody who didn't hide something from their parents, it just comes with the territory...... and please, don't shoot the boy.

    I'm not religious, but if I were.... I think I'd have to look at it like maybe something that was meant to be. Maybe her baby would be a blessing to a couple looking to adopt.

    Tough choices ahead for sure..... you and your entire family have my sincere best wishes.
  3. Bear

    Bear Monkey+++ Founding Member Iron Monkey

    You've got my thoughts and prayers as always....
    Like I said... little girls are sunshine and rainbows.... there's some rain in there... sometimes its tears of joy ... and somethime its pain....
    There's always a way... I re-read the post and saw "Love"... "Forgiveness" is an important part of this as well... perhaps the hardest part....
    Anyway... I'm here for you and your family.... will keep you in a special prayer tonight and always....
    You're stronger than you think you are.... times like these will prove it you and your family....
  4. melbo

    melbo Hunter Gatherer Administrator Founding Member

    Forgiveness was a very large part of my message tonight to my church body. I forgave my daughter, I forgave those that had gossiped about her without calling us... (this hit the myspace and facebooks sites yet we never got a call), I forgave those who were looking to pluck the speck out of her eye yet neglecting the log in their own eye. I also am trying to forgive the boy that did this. He was wearing a Jesus shirt the first time I met him... I just saw his myspace page tonight in doing a search on his name.

    Not the type of persona I'd have let my daughter hang around. Tip for parents of daughters. Search on the name.

    She stood up tonight and confessed and repented in front a very large audience. The support was amazing. This can be her spiritual turning point if she wants it to be.

    So yes, we are forgiving and supportive. I think most of you old timers can attest to my slow and proper decisions. Always LOVE.
  5. monkeyman

    monkeyman Monkey+++ Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    I empathize. We have the 18 yo boy with a 17 yo girlfriend and thought had a similar situation quite recently. I know what it is, especialy since had his G/F not been lieing it would have been quite likely that we would have wound up with her as well (not the best home life).
  6. E.L.

    E.L. Moderator of Lead Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    Just know your internet family is thinking about you, and praying that this will work out the best way possible. I cannot imagine having to go through this, but it took an incredible amount of strength by all of your, especially your daughter to stand up in front of the church and confess. God will lead you down the path you are to take, and when you choose the wrong direction, he will lead you back. You just have to listen and open your heart.

    May God bless all of you.
  7. sheen_estevez

    sheen_estevez Monkey+++

    Wish all the luck to your family, just remember it won't just be your daughter that needs you here, it will be the entire family, including the one on the way.

    Our thoughts are always with you, and remember you have a group here that will be more than willing to listen to you vent when you need to.
  8. Tracy

    Tracy Insatiably Curious Moderator Founding Member

    How very brave of your daughter's friend to risk angering your daughter and losing a friendship to inform you. She's in your daughter's life for a reason.

    It was good that you had time to think before reacting. Calmer thoughts lead to calmer and more effective discussions.

    Difficulties are more bearable when coupled with love, patience and understanding. I pray for your family's strength and compassion to carry you through this trial.
  9. Brokor

    Brokor Live Free or Cry Moderator Site Supporter+++ Founding Member

    My sister had her first kid at 18, so she got pregnant at 17. She was never going to go to college, so it was her plan to start a family early. My parents were very supportive. Between my three step sisters, they have 8 kids. I can imagine that, from a different standpoint this is rather traumatic. Your daughter has a future ahead of her, possibly college, too. I can see why I would be upset if it were my daughter having sex with some teenage boy. I don't have kids, so I have to do my best to imagine. I have to hand it to you Melbo. You realized the importance of love, and consoled with your daughter. If you fail at everything else, that would be enough.

    I would have spoken with the boy's parents and included the phrases "he will stay away from my child" and "many, many guns with plenty of ammo" -but I'm a nut anyway. The men in my family are very territorial and quick to temper. Kinda like really hungry wolves.

    Anyway, good luck to you and your family. I am not religious, but if your faith brings you comfort in these tough times, then I certainly hope that you receive the rewards.
  10. RightHand

    RightHand Been There, Done That RIP 4/15/21 Moderator Moderator Emeritus Founding Member

    You're living the nightmare situation every parents fear. When a pregnancy occurs, we, as adults, see the difficulties our child will have to endure. Not only the pregnancy, but the aftermath. I know it is probably almost impossible to view the miracle of birth as you did with Emma but remember, your precious grandchild will bring a life a joy to his or her parents, whoever they may be.

    I adopted my daughter when she was 5 days old. Her biological parents were shiny faced 17 year olds who didn't understand the consequences of their actions.

    Stacy has been the joy in my life and she has also been the source of my greatest fears and pain. It's part of the cycle of life.

    Rest assured that if your grandchild is placed for adoption, a new parent will know the same joy you found with Emma and your family will forever have an empty place in your lives.

    My prayers are with you all.
  11. Seacowboys

    Seacowboys Senior Member Founding Member

    I am sorry that you have this to deal with but remember that this isn't about you, wasn't done to you, and you didn't add into the equation that created the situation. That doesn't change the fact that it still impacts your life greatly. Once the shock and the other ripples die down, if I know you, a glimmer of joy will begin to creep into the picture; grand-babies are more fun than your own kids because even though the goals are the same, the methods of getting them there have a great deal more latitude. Your daughter is very fortunate to have loving and kind parents to share the burden of a young mother; many have to face this all alone and with no resources. I am certain that the blessings will begin to add up soon, so don't forget to count them.
  12. ghrit

    ghrit Bad company Administrator Founding Member

    I greatly admire the personal fortitude it took for you to place this in our domain. We should all have such courage in times of stress in the family. I have a granddaughter that came into the world similarly, the difference is that the kids got married a bit late. As it turned out, they are now divorced. I've often thought it would have been better had they not married, but I can see that the headaches and heartaches would still be present if in different form.

    The child will add immeasurably to your future, depend on it. Go forward with your usual good judgment and strengths, and I'm sure it will provide a satisfaction beyond your dreams.
  13. NVBeav

    NVBeav Monkey+++

    Wish I could say something really profound, but I'm struck with emotion. It's a moving situation to me -- I have a little girl too that's still very small (she'll be 5 in a few short months). You know probably more than I do the love and affection poured out on little girls from daddies who love them -- then they get big.

    Seacowboys and Ghrit are right that this isn't all about you. It's not all about your daughter or the baby either. It's really all about God and his glory (soli deo gloria). His calling can take you through the "shadow of the valley of death", but it's still about Him.

    Let me know if you want me to dig up baby clothes for the expected one (or should I say unexpected one:^) -- it'll take some time to get things together, so let me know and we'll ship quite a bit of stuff out to you. [We were trying to have another but it doesn't look like we'll be able to...]
  14. SeptemberMage

    SeptemberMage LaMOE Monkey

    I wish I could say something to help. The only thing I can think of is that maybe the boy will grow up. He might not seem like the kind of kid you would want her to hang around with now, but we were all young and stupid once. He might turn out to be a good guy, even if he started out bad, I dunno. Something tells me that if anyone can get him on the right path, it'd be you. Just try not to break any bones at the beginning.
  15. Tango3

    Tango3 Aimless wanderer

    Wow, just wow, I can't add much more than already expressed by the rest of the family here. Thank God he spoke to you and you could hear it...Or yourfamily wouldbe dealingwith this and your newfound career in the states' license plate industry.I have a 17 year old also;she's been allowed/took alot of room . We hope we are are doing the right thing but a sa parent you never know.You can't lock em in their rooms without a backlash.
    Its about her and the baby person,much as you'd like to mutilate the young "man".
  16. ColtCarbine

    ColtCarbine Monkey+++ Founding Member

    Good of you to not take action against the kid. Everybody else has pretty much covered this subject and how well you handled it.

    I've recently experienced the same thing, except it was my son and not daughter. However, we didn't have much say so in the outcome, actually we had no voice in the matter. The girl's parents were very adamant in aborting the child and that's exactly what happened. Can't say I agree with it but what's a person to do when you're just along for the ride. We paid for 1/2 of the murdering of this child and I just feel wonderful about it. Maybe it was for the better since they are no longer together. Sounds terrible doesn't it, trying to justify it in my own mind.

    My son has been sexually active for quite sometime and has always used protection. Once I knew he was sexually active I always told him that if he needed money for condoms that I had no problem buying them for him by the case, if need be. By no means did I want to see him end up being a father at such a young age. For some reason he and girlfriend decided that they didn't need protection, not the smartest thing he's done.

    You can only do so much in trying to instill good moral judgement on kids today. Unfortunately, one of my biggest adversaries in doing so has been his mother (ex-wife).

    You've done the right thing in your decision, wish ours had a different outcome but it didn't.
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