I have been at this for some time, have made a lot of mistakes and a few corrections. Now, here I am @ 58, still slamming the midnight hours, researching, reading, and doing what I can to keep updated on just about all I can possibly absorb. Some days are better than others, but lately, it's pulling me down. The weight of so much to do, so little time and even less funding to do with. It all has taken it's toll on me. Now I have no idea about the "rest" of the family and friends, but to be absolutely honest, I'm frazzled! I started to count ( not a food idea BTW!) of all the people that have contacted me re: a survival blog entry. "Finding others". I quit last time (like smoking!) after the first 90 some responses....I became disillusioned and pretty much just threw in the towel on the whole concept of finding like minded people via the internet. But, being the hardhead I am, I decided to go it once again, just for the heck of it. Now with 39 contacts in just 2 days, and I am reeling from it all! I had a number of emails, and even meetings with people that actually came quite a distance, just so we could meet eye to eye and eye have lunch together. So far so good. Right? 1 meeting began at 11:30 in the morning and continued well past midnight! We met, talked, had lunch, talked some more, came to my home, talked even more, and then talked via phone the following day. This was NOT the first time. This was somewhere along about the 16th time for me. I was beginning to think this might well work out. I was wrong. I tried to fit the experience into some category, like: "they all want something for nothing", or "these people are all wannabe's", I even went as far as thinking: "these people just want to gather infornmation". None of the above pertained. They were all good people, well meaning, but they all had a different view of what "Survival" and Preparedness" meant to them. All had the same precepts, like a "list" we all have, which we have read and re-read over and over again, ad infinitum. But that's where all similarity ended. Many of "them", like "us", spent a great deal of time and money, just to continue forward with the very basics, like food, and the ability to grow more. There the story comes to a twist in the road.... There are many that have ideas of a "community" of 12 or more people, in a large (numerous acres of land) rural setting. Some say they NEED at least 2 dozen other's to make their ideas work! Some, very few, are more the "lone wolf" types, but even they know they cannot go it alone....and they come to the table with ideas of getting a "few" people together, 3-5 and have a smaller concept of what they need. The problem: We are all individuals, have different ideas, all predicated on the same basics and principles. The story ends there. Being who and what we are, most (not all) want it their way, or no way at all. EG: 1 lady wants and will NOT accept anything less, than having a place with a kitchen that has tile floors with a central drain. 1 person will settle for nothing less than a 900+ sq ft place to reside in. Yet another, wants and is quite outspoken, that there must be a "fire-ring" for outdoor cooking. 1 man says he has to have a place where his 4 dogs can live INSIDE, as they are not accustomed to staying outside, much less in any weather at all. I had one person that "demanded" that all cooking be done outside, regardless of the weather....This person eventually conceded to having a building that had open walls and at least a roof! I have had a number of people asking where they can put goats to raise, (NOT for eating mind you,as they are PETS!) Some insist that they have to have a steak a day due to their protein needs...? I suppose you'd care for a red wine with that sir? Sheesh! I also found that Most people are hesitant to really "commit" to anything today. I mean literally anything at all..... I see mostly what I'd refer to as "NOMADS"...people that are already constantly traveling, searching, seeking for that which does not exist, save for within their own minds. They come, in RV's, travel trailers, 5th wheels, vans, and dually trucks....Some have tents some have Yurts....all are looking for a place, someplace which I doubt exists! I have spoken with families that are composed of up to 6 and 7 people, most having small children. I have spoken with people that range in ages from 19 to 70. All seeking a "Utopia" that I doubt exists anywhere in this state, and maybe not in this entire country! It became apparent that "society" as a whole has become "addicted" to that "fast-food" syndrome. We "want it now, and we want it our way, or not at all" type of thinking. I was beyond disappointed. I began to think I had been asking "others" to take on something so outrageous and outlandish, they'd have to have been escapees from an insane asylum, on a good day! I started to question myself, and those with me. Had I done this all wrong? What was the answer... I think I have it! I was trying to hard to please all of those and more I mentioned above. I had been so worried about making a place, a "safehaven" as it is, for too many, and had lost my own way. I found myself filled with self doubts and tried to get myself back on track... I had listened to and became too involved in other people's ideas and even what, for all intents and purposes, appear to be "lame brained" schemes. It's like anythng else, IF you allow yourself to be pummeled day after day by insanity and propoganda, soon you'll either be just as insane, or believe the propoganda. I have tried the "group" mentality on a number of occasions... Therein is the problem...1 person has to be a "leader". Few possess the ability to even be considered, myself counted amongst those that cannot lead! Most people have this great need and desire to "belong" and feel naked outside that arena. But, those same people are NOT willing, (even if thay are able) to contribute to the financial needs of the whole, or are relutctant to even put forth any effort in the way of work! To many of the "Preppers and Survivalists" I have met, a "group" is just a social gathering, where they feel they are a part of something, but offer nothing to the whole. They simply take up space. They are willing to meet, talk, have dinner or lunch with each other, and then go on their way. Nothing is acccomplished. I personally attended several meetings with a "group" of no less than 16 other people....After the 7th meeting, I knew it was not going to work out for me, as these people had nothing to offer each other and had no other place to go. Sad. But that's how it is. Reality of the "like-minded". So, seeing a whole lot of "go-nowhere" and "do-nothing" people and groups, I chose to go my own way. It is mind numbing. I am reminded of the catch phrase: "If you build it, they will come..." Yeah, well........ there's the fly in the ointment. Back to square one. Too many want someone else to do all the work, all the research, spend all their money, and have a place that is the "Utopia" they are seeking. They have to do nothing but sit back and relax, and enjoy the fruits of another's labor. Well, all I have to say is: "that really sucks!" They want a taxi service, a shuttle service, paved roads, no dust, no wind, weather that remains in the 70's year round, with no rain, no snow, and a self maintaining garden, or better yet a farmer to deliver the fresh veggies to them, all washed and ready to eat. I was really surprised that so many actually said they could cook! From the "looks" of 90% of those I have met, they all eat at McDonald's, Burger King, Jack-in-the-Box, or Taco Bell! We are not talking mildly overweight here, I mean severly OBESE! ( my observation: IF you are 5 ft nothing tall, and weigh in at 250-300+ lbs, you are OBESE!) I can say that, I am 6 ft and weigh in at 200lbs and I am fat! (Not grossly so, but it's all in my waist, too much soda!) Those I met, could barely even walk into a restaurant, had to sit on a "bench seat" as they did not/could not, fit on a chair! Needless to say, those people would either lose a lot of weight, die from a heart attack, or simply "plop" themselves down and say Well, here I am, NOW: FEED ME! ( feed me I'm hungry....!) ahem..... I was dumbfounded to find out I was supposed to act as a caterer to many that came to me, and many were quite adamant that they expected to be taken care of. Say what???? 1 couple, just this past 2 days that came to me and AFTER all the talks and such, it comes out..."Well, I have an invalid mother I cannot put into a home and she'll need a24/7 care and a place to live , so we will require no less than a 3 bdrm home with 2 baths........She has to have an uniterrupted power suppply for her medical needs"! HUH? Where was it that I "lost" control? Ok, I'm old, feeble minded and seem to have somehow managed to become a combination of the : "Salvation Army", "Goodwill" and "Hospice" today. ...and people dare ask me what ever happened to cause me to be so anti-social? Look, I'm NOT anti-social, or I would not have all these problems.... I think I am far too social and as a result, I may just lose what little mind I managed to have left! My definitions: Anti-social: Not wanting to be "USED" by those of society, which are too damn lazy to get off their butts and do anything for themselves! (some refer to these as "lazy parasites", But I'm too nice to say that!) Separatist: I just want to be as far away as I can from what "society" has become, and continues to evolve into"! (I refer to "rancher's" in that light!) Paranoia: If you think that "someone is out to get you", you are probably right! ( come to Prescott Arizona! The cameras on every street corner will freak you out!) Ok,. enough ranting and craziness..... I'm "open" to suggestions..... Where does one look? Where does one go from all of these experiences? I have developed a sense of cabin fever, feeling "trapped" and so on, right here at home. Does anyone else have any similar situations? Or, am I in need of some serious counseling and professional help?