When your spouse is not on board

Discussion in 'General Survival and Preparedness' started by Elessar, Sep 26, 2014.


  1. ditch witch

    ditch witch I do stupid crap, so you don't have to

    I knew when I said I Do that he was not a prepper. He's also not a painter, a photographer, a writer, or a wild eyed dreamer. I accepted those facts when I accepted that ring. Just because he isn't like me doesn't mean he needs fixing. In fact, my vows come out and state that I wasn't marrying him with the goal of fixing or changing him. We have a great relationship, we have some common interests and we also have our own, separate interests. I wouldn't have it any other way.
     
  2. Tevin

    Tevin Monkey+++

    I had a feeling someone would mention something like this. But again, it misses the point.

    If you are treating prepping as a hobby/interest on the same level as painting or photography, or as a personal preference such as he likes tacos and you like pizza, then yes, there is nothing to fix, everyone's happy, and there is no need to pursue the matter any further.

    If prepping is a lifestyle or a deliberate way of life, as I suspect it is for most of the people on this forum, then there is a whole lot to fix. You can't be so dismissive of something that effects both sides so profoundly. It's like saying it's no big deal that Jane wants kids and Richard doesn't. Or Sally wants to live in the mountains and Jack wants to live on the ocean.

    I don't want to come off as knowing something about specific relationships which I in fact do not know anything about; all I can say is that of one side resents the other's prepping (or lack of prepping) in the lifestyle sense, something is wrong and it's probably not about prepping.



     
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2014
  3. Tully Mars

    Tully Mars Metal weldin' monkey

    I respectfully disagree.
    In my case at least the main reason I ramped up my level of prepping was out of love and respect for my ex and my children. I didn't want them to ever come to me and say "Dad, I'm hungry, or cold, thirsty, ect. I did get tired of always being the one that had to keep up on things, but other issues are to blame for the failed marriage that occurred at a much later date.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 28, 2014
  4. ditch witch

    ditch witch I do stupid crap, so you don't have to

    The Mr. doesn't dislike or resent my prepping. He's even been known to bring prepping stuff home, not because he wants it but because he knows I'll like it. He just doesn't subscribe to my personal version of crazy. Yeah it's aggravating at times but I get more annoyed at his insistence that clean laundry doesn't belong in the dryer until needed. Way I see it, he takes care of me now. If SHTF, everything I've done will ensure I can take care of him.

    And hey, least he didn't vote for Obummer! @kellory biglaff
     
  5. oldawg

    oldawg Monkey+++

    Well said DW. Although I agree with the Mr. that washer is a hamper and dryer is chest of drawers. My Wife doesn't :). She and I ( remember that one by Alabama?) share differing views on levels of prepping but we agree something will happen whether inconvenient or catastrophic and up to us to take care of each other.
     
  6. Elessar

    Elessar Monkey+++

    I started this thread as a means of discussing what others were/are doing. I don't for a minute believe that we can change our significant others, and would argue that we wouldn't if we could. They are the people that we feel in love with because of the who they are and not who they aren't. So, I love my wife more than any other person in the world.

    However, that presents a unique set of challenges to balance daily demands between laying in supplies and maintaining a constant state of readiness within the restrictions of a real life budget. My wife will "allow" some things because they don't affect other things in our lives. However, she is realistic enough to know that if I spend too much in any area that we are going to be short in other areas.

    I just wanted to begin a thread that addressed the disparity that exists between partners: some who prep actively and those who prep covertly.
     
    tulianr, Yard Dart, oldawg and 2 others like this.
  7. Witch Doctor 01

    Witch Doctor 01 Mojo Maker

    Start with any local emergency... Hurricane, tornado, power outage, etc... and show the need to be better prepared. once you start the small prepping ask if they can think of anything else you should be ready for... draw them into the conversation... and slowly build up the preps until you meet the needs you have discussed... Then slowly try to expand...
     
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  8. Motomom34

    Motomom34 Monkey+++

    I think you should always openly let it be known that you are setting things aside. If discovered the preps set aside could be discovered then mentioned to a neighbor or friends, thus violating opsec. Regardless of what or how the spouse feels they need to understand that somethings need not be mentioned.
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2014
  9. Elessar

    Elessar Monkey+++

    I had considered a complete covert operation set up in a storage unit off site and away from home. Much like the character in Glen Tates books and that was before I read that series. I abandoned that idea because of the conflicts inherent to a covert mindset. As mentioned above, in addition to threatening Opsec, I also feel that secrets can be too damaging to a relationship.

    I've been working towards laying in supplies openly. I'd like to convince my wife that we should add a home generator to our set up, but I believe in small steps and that all things will come, in time, as WitchDoctor pointed out above; small steps. We've been talking about a generator for about three years now so I see one in our future very soon, maybe before this winter.

    I've been rotating our food stores and replacing things that I've been using in normal cooking. Working good so far. Now that we're settled into our new home, I intend to enlarge our stores bit by bit. Little steps...
     
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  10. ditch witch

    ditch witch I do stupid crap, so you don't have to

    I've been pushing the gennie idea for years as well. Initially the Mr. was resistant, until he got his saltwater aquarium set up. Given how much he has tied up in the fish and inverts and the fact that our power routinely goes out here, a generator suddenly sounded like a prudent purchase. Although, the tank has been up for a little over a year and so far all he's done is stare at them at Home Depot. I can see the purchase on the horizon though.

    Another semi-big-ticket-item I'd like is a reloading setup for shot as well as rifle/pistol rounds. He used to have all that but his ex wound up with it. Probably all at the bottom of a lake now. I may be able to get him on board with that purchase.
     
    GOG, Witch Doctor 01, HK_User and 2 others like this.
  11. GOG

    GOG Free American Monkey

    My wife loves me more than I probably deserve, but it took her a bit of time to get used to the idea of prepping. I started in anticipation of the "Millenium Crises" that never happened. However I continued to add as I could and she just went along. Throughout the process I did my best to explain the logic of whatever I was adding to the mix. Hurricane Katrina sealed the deal for her. In particular because we had honeymooned in New Orleans and then went back for a visit about a year after Katrina.
     
    ditch witch and Yard Dart like this.
  12. Yard Dart

    Yard Dart Vigilant Monkey Moderator

    My wife is from the concrete jungle, Los Angeles, CA.... Downy taught her to be smart and and a tough girl that now days she translates into her job which is a man's world in international shipping. Very business savvy, can cuss like a sailor, and my right hand in life. But she is not a prepper, a survivalist or anything near that. We met 9 years ago.. and I took her to a state fair where she had the opportunity to pet a cow... in her 40's..... she cried and I was astounded how little she had been exposed to. She wanted a country boy that hunted, fished and did all that country stuff.... lol, I think now days she regrets that..... hahahaha. She thinks my big truck is to much though it will tow what is needed, the gun collection that magically grows, my tool obsession, and the fact that the range requires often visits... so is life I suppose.

    I have had gardens over the years and she enjoys the fresh veggies... but some days she tells me I could do it better, though she does not equate that into "what". I have worked for years now on being ready and she tolerates most of my idiosyncrasies including my goal to be prepared to support our family if the SHTF, regardless what that is. We had a good ice storm come through a few years ago and we held up with no issues..... a week plus with no power and she was a champ... though she at that time learned of some of our prep's... that she just thought was camping gear. Since then she has come to me on occasion when something is in the news.. and asked if we are ready for such an issue... a couple of times I have said we have work to do. One day we were talking about bird flu or Fukishima, something like that, and I did not have the answer she was looking for. She said "you are in charge of the family, make it happen so we are ready".... big mistake on her part ;) But the tacit approval meant she was on board with being prepared, but with the caveat that I never hurt the family finances. The other day she asked me how many life straws we had for instance.... she thought I needed to get some more..... lol. I guess the Monkey will get some more Amazon benefit on my shoppin. :)

    There are many ways to bring your spouse on board, even if it is in a minimal way, you just have to figure out what their need is/their trigger to doing more, being better prepared, to having an interest in doing what needs to be done to survive... without waving the survivalist flag in their face. Tact in the conversation can be like honey to a bee, protecting the hive from what may be outside the door............. Good luck as it is a daily adventure/goal/ trial to being what we strive to be in our prep's.
    [chopper]
     
  13. Dark Jester

    Dark Jester Quester...

    Interesting thread... My wife believes my Preparedness activities are fine, but she does not involve herself at all other than home security measures. She just does not think Prepping will ever be necessary, but will admit if needed, I will be the person she can rely on no matter what happens.

    As to the investments I've made, she does not give it a second thought. Therefore, I am one of those people that needs to slowly present ideas as to what Preparedness really is and where it could be appropriate; last winter's ice storm around Atlanta that left people stranded, helpless and confused. She allowed me to put a "Get Home Kit" in her car. She actually looked in it and asked a few questions. There is hope...
     
  14. AmericanRedoubt1776

    AmericanRedoubt1776 American Redoubt: Idaho-Montana-Wyoming Site Supporter+

    Here is a comment on this very subject that I posted on the Charles Carroll Society blog and a link to a great article on this subject written by a prepper wife:

    "Jefferson Franklin said:

    Scaring Your Spouse with Tales of Doom, Bugging Out, and Relocation

    Alex, in my family, this quote below summarized exactly what happened at first between us. I had to tone it down and be more “optimistic realist” rather than “pessimistic realist” in order to be of painless benefit rather than painful benefit to my family.

    “As I began sharing dire stories and the strategies to protect us (my method of dealing proactively with our situation), my spouse could not handle the depressing emotions these stories conjured. I discovered just how differently my spouse is wired from me, and if I wanted to be wise, I had to be sensitive to my spouse’s unique psyche and needs. What my spouse needed most were spiritual encouragement, optimism, and fun distractions.”

    Fair Use Source: Saving Your Marriage for the End of the World – Part III, by Cottage Mom - SurvivalBlog.com


    Here is part 3 — great article from JWR’s site: Saving Your Marriage for the End of the World – Part III, by Cottage Mom - SurvivalBlog.com

    Alex, regarding your post above about “The Wife and Prepping” and that guy who told you “…she will not move with you.” — this is a lovely article from today from James Wesley Rawles’ site: Saving Your Marriage for the End of the World – Part II, by Cottage Mom - SurvivalBlog.com

    Saving Your Marriage for the End of the World – Part 1, by Cottage Mom - SurvivalBlog.com

    here is part 1 — great article written by a wife

    Fair Use Source: How I selected my redoubt land | Charles Carroll Society
     
    GOG likes this.
  15. Cruisin Sloth

    Cruisin Sloth Special & Slow

    Time for a trade in , Value of deprecation is huge , It'll costya !!
     
  16. AmericanRedoubt1776

    AmericanRedoubt1776 American Redoubt: Idaho-Montana-Wyoming Site Supporter+

    Interesting thread on this same topic: Guns you bought and had to hide from the wife - Calguns.net

    I posted over on Calguns that "Honesty is best. I tell her guns-ammo-mags-optics-knives-tools are a great tangibles investment/inflation hedge along with silver-gold and that we should "invest" at least 4x a year and she agrees."

    The original poster says: " So recently I purchased a new Mini 30 and Beretta m9, pretty excited about it. The problem lies in the fact that I told my wife I wouldn't buy anymore guns for the rest of the year. So I'm curious to see who has been in the same boat as me and what measures they took to sneak guns into the house or how they got away with it."

    Fortunately most replies to his post question said something more or less like this: "Truth is everything in a relationship. The truth is easier to remember than a lie. If you lose the trust of your wife, you will most likely be in for a lot of grief and misery down the road. Grief and misery may be awaiting you anyway, but if you earn the mistrust of your wife it's almost certain."

    Or this: "I don't mention her shoe collection and the Alerts I get from Macy's about her account balance and she never mentions my gun obsession."

    In response a guy posts: "Buying a gun and hiding that fact from your wife is not the same as her buying a pair of shoes and not telling you. Unless of course the shoes cost her $700.00"

    And this: "Don't be a coward. Man up. TELL HER you're buying another gun. Honesty is the best policy gents. As others have said, you'll be in bigger doo doo if she finds out later that you lied to her. Sneaking around is cowardly and disrespectful towards her."

    Or this: "Op, I've been in the same boat as you almost every month this year. I usually bring mine in early morning or later night. Or when she jumps in the shower, tell her your taking out the trash. Hahahaha. Women do have a 6th sense about men hiding stuff. Well at least my wife does. But her Spidey sense works only half the time."

    He who keepeth his mouth, keepeth his life. But he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction. Proverbs 13:3

    Or this interesting turn of events:

    "I never hide anything from my wife. She sat on a Jury trial in the Pomona Courthouse. Defendant was a gangbanger charged with 4 murders. He was found guilty of 2. He was not innocent of the other 2, just insufficient evidence to convict. During the trial, she found out that the loser gangbangers (mostly from Pomona) had family and friends in our city. She realized she could even cross paths with several of them at our local grocery store. All of sudden, she realizes bad things do happen in good areas. I have not had a problem buying any gun since that trial ended. You should have seen her smile when I brought home the 8 shot Mossberg SG with a 20" barrel. Why do people all say Jury Duty is a bad thing?"

    Another guy says, "
    "

    Long live the Republic. God Speed.
     
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2014
  17. ditch witch

    ditch witch I do stupid crap, so you don't have to

    HA! You can't put a price on shoes! I see his paltry $700 and raise him another grand!
    Ostri Sling 120mm Black Rouge De Mars Leather
    Velvet Ivy Cage Sandal Alexander McQueen | Sandals | Shoes |

    As long as the bills get paid and there's food in the house, I don't understand why anyone would hide a purchase. Adults shouldn't have to sneak their toys into the house like a sixteen year old smuggling a box of condoms past mommy. Granted I don't lay out every single prep I buy on the kitchen table and say LOOK HONEY LOOK LOOK LOOK! but I don't bother to hide it and I certainly wouldn't deny the existence of the items in question.

    As the wise first man would understand, I don't dis his Bass Pro obsession and he says nothing about my zombie apocalypse preparations.
     
  18. kellory

    kellory An unemployed Jester, is nobody's fool. Banned

    Well, if she could pay her own medical bills, I'd buy her any pair of shoes she wanted, even those. It is a matter of priorities.
    Personally, I'd prefer a woman to be naked and barefoot, to wearing $1,700.00 shoes, but maybe that's just me......:rolleyes:
     
  19. vonslob

    vonslob Monkey++

    I get a lot of lip service and pats on the back but no real support. Oh well, it is what it is. However i have been putting stuff away for so long now i really only top off stuff. I was and am a frequent visitor to garage sales and the flea market, so i have enough for my immediate family and my tribe. When i spend money on emergency things it is usually either food, ammo, or improvements to my BOL. When it comes to emergency planning and preparing i answer to nobody because it is too damn important. I have been in several relationships since i first started "prepping" and basically kept it to myself. I was in one long term relationship and she knew everything about me including my disaster preparations. She began to question my spending and that was one the things that ended the relationship. After we broke up she ran around telling everyone in our social circle that i was a crazy survivalist, wanting the world to end.
     
  20. Dark Jester

    Dark Jester Quester...

    Rule #1: Keep your own council...

    I have found it is a good idea to start early on the process of familiarizing people that you want in your circle, but just in small, digestible pieces. Like I stated with my wife, I gave her a recent real life occurrence to which she could easily relate; Atlanta's recent ice storm. Now, she understands and is okay with the GHB in her trunk and actually appreciates it enough to ask questions about what is in it. The next step is to relate one of my concerns to another situation we may see on the news or a TV show/movie; a car jacking perhaps. Then I can discuss this real threat and how to mitigate it by being prepared. I believe if a concern is put in the appropriate perspective and that situation is deemed relevant, other's are more likely to accept it. It's also about timing...
     
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